Happy Birthday Jeremy

Today is Jeremy's 34th birthday. He was born on August 27, 1976 to Ronnie and Sylvia Clayton. He was their second child and second son. It may be hard to imagine now, but Jeremy had the curliest blond hair that you ever did see when he was little. Needless to say he hated the curls, that's why he sports a shaved head now days!!!

I couldn't ask for a more kind, loving, and caring husband. Jeremy is always willing to help others out that are in need. It doesn't matter if it is for friends or family. If you need something done, Jeremy is there. There have been so many times in our marriage when I felt completely defeated and he is the one to lift me back up. This year has been extremely difficult for our family. I honestly don't know what I would have done without Jeremy in my life. I talked with him about me going back to school instead of looking for a job and he told me that whatever I needed, he would get for me. He has worked long hard weeks to pay for my books and education. Anytime overtime was available, he was asking if he could work. It touches my heart so much that he is willing to work so hard so that I can pursue my dreams of becoming a nurse. I know that there are a lot of women out there who are not able to be in my position and I am truly grateful for this opportunity. I know that I don't tell him as often as I should how proud I am to be his wife. How blessed our children are to have such an awesome father. We have grown so much closer since Jolianne came into our lives. She gave us the chance to stop and really think about the things that are the most important to us.

I thank God that He brought Jeremy and I together. He is my rock, my teddy bear, my best friend in the whole world. I love you beyond imagination honey!!!

Happy Birthday Jeremy :)

Happy Birthday Ronnie

My Little Ham!!

Well yesterday was Ronnie's seventh birthday. I meant to post something for him but life got a little busy as usual so I am updating now.

Ronnie Daniel Clayton was born on August 23, 2003 at Mother Francis Hospital in Tyler. He came after a long 19 hour labor that was induced because of my high blood pressure. Ronnie Daniel is not a very common name so let me tell you where it came from. Ronnie is my father-in-law's name. It is not short for Ronald, it is simply Ronnie. Daniel is my father's name. So we put the two names together and came up with Ronnie Daniel in honor of both of our fathers. Everyone on Jeremy's side of the family calls him Little Ronnie. It is pretty funny because Ronnie has never been little. He came into this world weighing nine pounds, at 38 weeks. If I would have carried him to 40 weeks he would have been 10 lbs. I always joked around and said that I got a 3 month old instead of a new born!!!

As he has gotten older I have seen such an amazing heart in him. He is always honest, even when it sounds brutal he adds love to the end so you just can't help but laugh. Example...He will tell me, "Mommy I really love that you are "fluffy", it makes it more comfortable when I lay on you and have cushion. I love you so much Mommy." Now if it were anyone else I would probably leave the room in tears!!! But not Ronnie, he has no intention of hurting my feelings, he was just sharing his thoughts with me.

Ronnie has never met a stranger. He will talk to absolutely anyone. It doesn't matter where we are. He loves to tell people things about his day or what we are going to be doing when we get home. One time were were at Wal-Mart getting a colander and Ronnie thought that he needed to tell the woman on the isle that his brother Andy had broken the colander that we had so we were getting a new one. He then let her know that you do not wear them on your head, even thought they make a really cool hat. He also invited her to our house for dinner. And told her we have the wooden house with the green roof if she needed directions. He is such a Ham!! He always has people laughing or smiling when he is around. He is a bright ray of sunshine for our family. He really keeps us on our toes and wondering what is coming next!!!

I pray that Ronnie will continue to grow in Christ. He is always so excited about anything and everything to do with Church or Bible Study. I hope that he keeps his heart open to God and listens to what the Lord has in store for him. I know that he will do amazing things.

Time Just Seems To Fly

I can't believe that the first week of August is almost over. We only have two weeks until school starts back. I have had so much fun this summer with the boys. It feels like just a few weeks ago school was getting out for the summer. I started getting ready for school a few weeks ago and I am very happy to say that I have all the school supplies purchased and all the clothes bought. I have a few more shirts to get for Andy and I will be finished. I am very excited that we are all getting ready to go back to school. I pray that this year is a good year for everyone, especially coming off of the year we've had. It is hard to believe a year ago I was placed on bedrest in the hospital. It seems like a life time ago. Time sure does seem to fly by lately.

Ronnie and I are going to be going to Splash Kingdom sometime in the next week. It is soooo hot this week so we may have to wait until next week and go in the morning. We have been working on him following directions the first time he is told. I have been doing a color system and when he is acting bad he has to turn his stick to a different color. He starts at green, then moves to yellow, then red, and then black. If he has a black stick that means he has had a very hard day. I promised him if he could keep his stick green for one week that we would go to the water park. It took us a little while but we finally have a green week!!! I hope that he can stay having green sticks for the rest of the summer. I really hate having to spend so much time getting on to the kids.

Andy will be going to D Now starting on Saturday. It is a really awesome three day event for the youth at church. I hope that this really reaches out to Andy. I feel like he has been so lost lately. We have really been struggling with him making good choices. He has been grounded from his phone and iPod all summer long and he just can't seem to get things together. I pray that he will get on the right track. I pray that God will put something together for me, I feel like I am out of options with him and not really sure where to go from here. I can take things away all day long but he needs to learn to make the right decision. It is easy for him not to use the phone late at night when I am keeping all the phones in my bedroom. The first time I forget to take them in there he is right back to making calls at 2 and 3 in the morning. I wish that he would respect our rules and do the right thing on his own. I know that he is at a difficult age so I need to find some way to get through to him. Grounding doesn't work, getting rewards doesn't work, taking things away doesn't work, giving extra chores doesn't work. Anyone who has suggestions please leave a comment for me. I don't want to give up on my boy. I know that there is a way, I just have to find it!!! (maybe I should try the color sticks with Andy and see if they work!!! ha ha)

I hope that everyone is having a blessed day,
Crystal

Blessed

Have you ever sat down and really thought about how blessed you are. I think that it is so easy to get caught up in day to day life and we forget to stop and acknowledge how awesome God is. This past week I have really gotten a chance to see how amazing His plan really is. The way He works in people's lives and puts things together, so often I hear the phrase, "how weird is it that such and such thing happened", or "what a coincidence that was" I always want to say, "That is God working in our lives." Sometimes I say it out loud and sometimes I just think it. Either way, I feel so blessed that I can see it for what it really is. There was a time in my life when I would have just ignored God's work and said, "Yeah, that really is weird!" This past week I thought a lot about when Jolianne was in the hospital. I have been talking with Kim a lot while she is up at the hospital with Christopher and so many things just come flooding back to me. Some of the stuff I was surprised to realize, I had forgotten. I think that is God's way of making things easier for me. So many times after we lost Jo Jo I would hear that it gets easier and I really wasn't sure how all that was going to work out. Now I understand. This past week I have had the opportunity to witness the power of prayer. It is so amazing to feel God's presence in a room. To know that He is hearing you. Christopher's name was lifted up by so many friends and family. We all feel so blessed to have such a great support team of people that care.

Another way that I felt blessed this week is when Ronnie and I were Baptized together. I was Baptized when I was 14 as a Methodist but I feel so differently about my relationship with God now that I wanted to be re-baptized as a Baptist. Ronnie asked God into his heart last month so it was really amazing to get to experience that together. To be in the water with him, standing behind him. I hope that he knows that I will be right there for him always.

There are so many things that we can be thankful for. Even when we feel that everything has gone wrong and nothing seems to be going our way. God is there. He doesn't ever turn away from us. I can testify that even on the darkest days, when you think there's no way you're ever gonna be OK, God is holding you so tight. He will see you through and make sure that you will see the light again.

Love always,
Crystal

Choose Your Own Adventure

Did you ever read the Choose Your Own Adventure books as a child? You know, the ones where you are reading a story and then you have the option to pick which adventure your main character will go on. I have been thinking lately about how things might have been. I think, what if Jolianne had not had a heart problem. I imagine our family living in Heartland in the beautiful house we had built and I would still be working at Oldcastle. Jolianne would be 9 months old. Crawling all around on the floor. She probably would have figured out how to say "Dada" and "Mama" and "Bubba" by now. We would have our friends and family over to visit. Life is good and I couldn't be happier. Then there is adventure number 2. The adventure that started when I was placed in the hospital. We would still be living in Wills Point. I would have quit my job at Oldcastle to stay home with little Jo Jo because she needs special care. By now Jo Jo would have had her last heart procedure and would be doing great. Everyone all together enjoying life and realizing just how precious each of our lives are. I know that is one of the better imaginations of what our life would be like but hey, this is my adventure so I will just go with it. Then there is adventure number 3. The adventure that started the day my sweet Jo Jo flew to Heaven. THE REAL STORY. The story of a family struggling to piece their lives back together. We are living in Wills Point, I am a stay at home mom with intentions to start school in the Fall to pursue a degree in Nursing. I have joined the Praise Team at church and I teach a Sunday School class twice a month. In this adventure life seems to be more than I can bear at times. There is a lot of crying and a lot of pain. There are days where I am doing fine and days where I miss my daughter so much I can hardly breathe. But in all of this chaos the most important thing about this adventure is that it includes a very personal relationship with my Savior. I know that things are not the way I had pictured them to be at this point, but I also know that I am a stronger person in this version of the story. I know that with God at my side I can do absolutely anything. I am so very blessed for everything I do have. At times when I get down about life being unfair I simply have to remember that although I am the main character in my book, God is the one that chooses where I will go. He is wise beyond anything that I can even comprehend. It is my duty to make myself available to Him so that He can use me however He sees fit. He does know the end of my story, each day that I wake up is a new page. Each evening is a testamony of my faith that He will take me where I need to go.

I hope that anyone reading this today that is struggling with "their story" will find comfort that your life is in God's very capable hands. He will never leave you, He will never forsake you. Make youself available to hear from Him. He speaks to us everyday. Are you listening??

Summer Begins

Ronnie and Ms. Clark

I am so proud to say that both of my boys passed for the year and will be advancing to the next grade. Andy with be in 8th grade and Ronnie will be in First. Summer officially starts tomorrow, June 7th. The kids are out of school and we are ready to get our Summer On!!!! Vacation Bible School starts tonight at 6:45. Jeremy and I are both participating in VBS this year. We are very excited. Jeremy is acting in the play they do at the beginning of VBS and I am a team leader. I take the kids to each activity. They did such an awesome job decorating our church as a Rain forest. Andy goes to Church camp tomorrow. He will be in Arkansas until Friday. This is the first time that he has ever gone to a spend the night camp. I am very excited for him. I hope that he has an amazing time and makes a lot of new friends. Andy is a part of such an amazing youth group. I am so glad that he enjoys going to church. I hope that Andy takes some good pictures while he is away. I am going to get him a disposable camera so that he can take lots of good pictures. Well I better get going, we have to leave in a few minutes to get to the church on time. I hope that everyone is doing well.

Show Cancelled

Well I just found out today that our Fifth Sunday Showcase has been cancelled due to lack of participation. A lot of people are going to be out of town for the Memorial Day Holiday so we are going to try to do it again on another night. I am still glad that I was able to overcome my stage fright and commit to singing a song. For those of you who don't know me, that is so out of the box for me!!!! Not the committing to something part, but the singing a song in front of the whole church part. =) I got some of the books in that I ordered for Nursing School. I actually ordered Cliffs notes for Anatomy and Physiology. I hope that it does me some good for the class that I need to take this fall. I also ordered some practice tests so that I can see what kind of questions will be on the entrance exam. I am very excited about the future. I can't wait to get started. In a few months, once school starts, I will probably be writing about how sick I am of school. Oh well, until then I will keep an open mind. I hope that since I have chosen something that is close to my heart I will feel differently about classes and studying. We will just have to wait and see.

Until next time.
Blessings and Peace to you all.

Life (A Second Chance To Give Him Praise)

Life is such a funny thing. You never really know where it will lead you. I have signed up to sing a song at our Church's 5th Sunday Showcase next weekend. I never would have imagined that I would be brave enough to stand on a stage in front of a group of people and sing a song. A fellow Praise Team member, Bud has agreed to learn the guitar part of the song so that we can sing on stage together while he plays the song for us. I was talking with Bud this afternoon at Church and he said to me, "You always have to be on your toes with God, you never know what He will ask you to do." That is so true. Sometimes he calls you to do things that scare you to death. The best thing of all is that when you know that he is with you, the fear goes away. I am very excited that he has called me to share a song with everyone. The song that I chose is called, "I'm Still Yours". This song really means a lot to me because it talks about still giving praise to God even when things aren't going your way. Even when your world is falling down around you, He deserves your appreciation for the life that he has given you. My prayer is that it touches someone else's heart the way it touched mine.



As the school year drawls to an end my boys seem to be struggling more than ever. Andy and Ronnie are getting very restless and are ready for the year to be over. They have gotten in trouble on the bus, at school and at home quite a bit. I am praying that they will make it for the next two weeks with no more trouble. I have a lot planned for us this summer together. I have not been off work during the summer sine Ronnie was 6 months old. I hope that we can reconnect and have a great time. We have all had such a difficult year we really need some together time.



I have decided to go back to school this fall. I am going to study Nursing. I ordered a study guide this past week so that I can get started studying for the entrance exam. I hope that I get picked for the program that starts next January. I will have to take Human Growth and Development, A&P and Medical Terminology this fall in order to qualify for my application. I am very excited about this turn around in my life. I have been praying that God would lead me to a job that I really enjoy. One that I will be proud of and that I have a passion for. I am so grateful that He has sent me this opportunity to pursue my dreams.

Amazing Weekend

Hello Everyone,
I had such an amazing weekend. On Saturday I went to see The Gaither Homecoming concert in Fort Worth with all of my family. It was Myself, Kim, Kim's mom Barb, my mom Debbie, my mother-in-law Sylvia and my niece Emma. We had a girls day to celebrate Mother's Day. I was so excited when I got to meet The Martins. A little while after Jolianne had passed away I was watching the Gaither music show and The Martins came on and sang a song called The Promise. I cried through the entire song. It touched my heart soooo much. It was so awesome to get to meet them and take a picture with them!!! We had an all day venture. We met for Lunch at T.G.I.Fridays, then we went to the concert from 3:00 until 7:30. I didn't get home until almost 10:00. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful family to spend time with. On Saturday Jeremy took the boys on a Father/Son day out. They went to Tyler and watched How to Train Your Dragon. Ronnie had been wanting to see that movie for a while now. I am glad that the guys also got to have some fun. On Sunday we went to church and then to my Mom's house for lunch with my brother Zach and sister-in-law Stacy. My dad made some really good steaks!!! We exchanged gifts and then spend some time talking together. My boys picked out a beautiful bed set for me. It is my favorite color, green. Now let me tell you a little story about green blankets. My husband hates green. HATES IT. Since we have been married I have not been allowed to get any sheets or bedding that is green. But this year he was OK with me having my favorite color of bed sheets. That was so sweet. It is actually a cream color with green palm leaves on it, it is very comfy also.

Ronnie has started playing baseball. He is on the Red Sox this year, number 10. He has been playing outfield so far. I hope that the coach will let him play a little infield. He is a lot more focused this year than last year. He pays attention and does not play in the dirt or pick flowers like he did last year. I hope that he has a good season. He really loves playing baseball.

I am having a pretty good week. I am learning to take my time in life and enjoy the little things. I have to keep in mind that the details are in the little things. The way a simple smile can bring such joy to my life. I way I feel so warm and cozy in those 10 minutes that I get to snuggle with Jeremy between the time when the alarm goes off, I press snooze, and then he really does need to get up to start getting ready for work. We are trying to decide if we can move to town or maybe get a new house here on our property. We have both been doing a lot of research so that we can make an informed decision. We have decided that we need to move from a four bedroom to a three bedroom. I still haven't been able to take Jo Jo's room down. I think that the only way it will feel right is if we just move. I have a hutch that has all of her stuff in it that we will keep in our bedroom. But I just can't bear walking by her room and it being empty. We have been wanting to get a new house for about a year now, but before it just wasn't God's time for us. I have been praying about the move so I know that He will lead us in the right direction. If it still isn't time then we will wait some more. I am looking forward to this weekend. We are going to Arlington to spend some time with Jeremy's family. We are going to be celebrating a bunch of birthdays, Me, Kim, Christopher, and Mom. I am so excited to spend time with everyone. I hope that everyone is having a good day. It is almost the weekend!!!!

The Other Side of the Story

I have had so many thoughts lately about what I would write about. God has given me the wisdom of being able to see both sides of the story. I want to share a story with with that involves two of my children. Andy and Jolianne.

When my daughter passed away earlier this year the thought would often flash through my mind, "Why did He have to take her?". Why is it that there are so many unfit parents out there that get to experience their children's lives, but I can't. God has given me the answer. The sad thing is that I have had the answer the whole time, I just never acknowledged it.

Andy 1995
I became pregnant with my son Andy 2 months after my 16th birthday. At the time I was living with my father in Arlington. I had moved away from my parents home in March because there were too many rules and regulations that I had to follow. I have shared with you in previous blogs that I was very stubborn and did not like having rules. My father had NO rules. Often times he would provide drugs, alcohol, and freedom that I had not known with my parents in Wills Point. It is really no surprise that I became pregnant. I lived with my dad from March until the first of June. I realized that I was in an environment that was very unhealthy for me and wanted to be with my mom and step dad in Wills Point again. In July I found out that I was pregnant. I was so scared. I sat in the bathroom and cried and cried. I was so afraid of what my parents would say or do. They were both very kind and understanding. They told me that they would take care of me and the baby and make sure that we were OK. I am sure that during my pregnancy when I was in public there were women that passed me that thought to themselves, "Why does she get to have a baby, but I can't." They may have said how unfair it was that I was pregnant, but that they had just lost a child. I was never aware of any of this, but I am familiar with the stares and the whispers and the general disappointment of another "reckless youth". Another teenager that has thrown her life away.
Andy 2009 and 2010
Last year I when I was in the hospital on bedrest there were a lot of responsibilities that were placed on my son Andy. Some of them he took on by himself. The entire time I was in the hospital Andy slept in his brother's room, on the floor, because Ronnie was scared. He would read him stories at night, he would comfort him when he missed me so much. Even after I came home he continued to sleep in Ronnie's room until Ronnie got adjusted to me being back home. While his sister Jolianne was in the hospital he would continue to reach out to his brother. He was always very understanding of the hectic schedule that we had to maintain in order to spend time with Jo Jo and spend time with the boys at home. On of the most amazing things that has touched my heart lately is when Andy came home from school one day and shared with me that he had brought someone to Christ. This person is growing up in a home where they do not believe in God. They had no idea of God's love and compassion for us. I was so proud of him when I heard this. I thought to myself, "Andy has just saved some one's life." Maybe not in the heroic way that we usually say saving a life, but a very important save just the same. God has a purpose for Andy. He always has, from the moment He gave him life when he was inside me.

Jolianne 2009 and 2010
The life of my daughter was very short, but very purposeful. She is the strongest most courageous person I have ever known. I saw her go through so many procedures, so many needle sticks, so many IVs, so much pain and agony. She rarely cried. She faced each thing in her life with no fear. The doctors and nurses used to tell me that she was such a strong baby. They said that most of the babies would cry and protest to many of the things that Jolianne took in stride. I heard the other day that each person has a job to do on Earth. When you have accomplished your purpose, you get to go to Heaven and be with your loving Father. Jolianne had a purpose, she was placed here to accomplish a goal. She was able to achieve her goal in 3 short months. There are many of us who don't even know what our purpose is yet. We are still searching for what it is that God has planned for us. Jo Jo brought our family closer to God in a way that we never knew before. She showed us that God does have a plan and he does love us beyond measure.

I can't ask why does He take some children and let others live. It is quite clear. In my own life I have been the mother that "didn't deserve to have a baby" and the mother that "lost a baby too soon." I have been looked at with disgust and I have been looked at with sympathy. This is what I know for sure. God does everything with purpose. Even when we can't see the entire situation for what it is, He is working in each of us. Each of my children have changed my life, each in very different ways. I am a better person because of them. This is my testimony of God's will. My testimony of God's plan. My testimony of God's love.

Hard Week

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I have had a lot going on lately. I have had a pretty rough week in regards to Jolianne. I have had dreams about her at night and then during the day it makes me so sad that she is not here. For the most part I haven't had long periods of time where I feel so lonely. I am not sure what is going on, but the smallest little nothings seem to set the feelings in motion. I was at the store today and the woman in front of me had a daughter around the age of 3. The little girl had picked up some candy that she wanted and mom was telling her to put it up so that they could go. Of course the little girl wanted the candy so it dragged on for a little while. Then the cashier was talking to the mother saying that her daughter was the same way and aren't they so cute at that age. Once they moved on it was my turn in line. As I was placing my items on the counter the cashier right next door then started talking about her daughter. My daughter this, and my daughter that, and laughs and giggles. I continued getting my things out of the cart and I started to feel a heavy weight on my chest. I had nothing to add to the conversation. I never would. My daughter.....is gone. That's what went through my mind. I tried to hold the tears back. The cashier turned to me and asked how I was doing today. I put a smile on my face and answered, "I'm doing pretty good." I couldn't tell her the truth. The fact that I was feeling like my heart was breaking into a thousand little pieces. The fact that of all the lines I could have picked, I got into the one where everyone has a cute little girl who does the cutest little things. I managed to make it through my encounter and all the way to the car before the tears fell. That's pretty much what my whole week has been like. Things that wouldn't have gotten to me are stirring up all kinds of emotions. I am really not sure what has changed, maybe this is just a phase of grief that I am going through. I miss my little Jo Jo terribly. I have heard several times in the last few weeks that God only allows hardships to happen if we will be allowed to grow from the situation and help someone else. I believe that this is true. I believe that each one of us has a choice to make. Are you going to allow yourself to grow, the way God intended for you? Are you going to let the situation knock you down and keep you down while you struggle for answers? There is a song that says, "I'm not claiming to know all the answers, but I'm holding on to the One who does." God does have the answers. I know that He is helping me to grow stronger each day, even on the days when I feel so weak. I know that He carries me on those days. He carries you too.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. -Psalm 34:17-19

The Easter Basket

Basket that I made for Jolianne's Room

Jolianne's basket at the cemetery

I have been going back and forth with myself this month trying to decide if I should do an Easter Basket for Jo Jo. I went to the store today to get stuff for the boys' baskets and when I was in the Easter section I noticed this cute dainty pink basket with pink frillies around the edges. The moment I saw it I knew that I had to get it. I went to the eggs and saw the cutest little eggs decorated with butterflies and flowers and I knew I had to get them as well. I thought to myself, "I need to make Jolianne a basket too, I don't care how silly it may seem to anyone else. I need to do this for her." It gave me such joy to sit and think about how I was going to decorate all of the kids' baskets.

I want to ask you all to do something special this week. Make an Easter Basket for a loved one who is now in Heaven. I know that it may be hard to do, but this is what I hope for you. While you make your basket, think of only happy memories that you have of your loved one. Take some time and write down some of your favorite memories and place your writings in some of the eggs you have chosen. Imagine that your special someone is looking down from Heaven to see the beautiful gift you have made. (I believe that they will be!) If you can, take your basket to the cemetery as a memorial. It would even be special to have your basket be the centerpiece for your Easter lunch or dinner with your family. I believe in continuing to remember our loved ones through acts of love and kindness. The greatest gifts ever given are from your heart!!!

Please remember on Easter that Jesus gave his life for you and me. He loves us with all of his heart. His Easter gift for us is everlasting life.

Love you all,
Crystal

Happy 31st Birthday!!!!

Hello Everyone, Kim Clayton here. I am Crystal's Sister in Law and I am sneaking on her blog to post a little message to her and wish her a very Happy Birthday!

I probably cannot top the amazing post that her husband did yesterday but that's ok :O)

Happy Birthday Crystal

I am so glad that God put us in the same family.

It is so neat that we were chosen to become

John & Jeremy's wives so that we could become sister-in-laws.

I feel like I have known you forever and not just for 8 years.

You are such an amazing person!

Almost 3 months ago you lost your sweet little girl and you found so much strength with the Lord to get you through.

I told John this morning that I would love to find that strength that you have and hopefully I can.

I got closer to God when Christopher was born but I would love to get even closer like you have.

You are such a strong, caring, loving, giving person

You are a wonderful mother and wife

You are a wonderful sister in law!

I hope you have a wonderful birthday today, you deserve it!

I love ya!

Kim

My Strong and Beautiful Wife

Hello, this is Crystal's husband Jeremy. Crystal normally updates this site every Thursday but she was a little busy. I figured I would write on her behalf today. She is on a Church women's retreat with a bed and breakfast. Crystal has been so strong the last few months for our family. She keeps a smile most of the time and concentrates on the blessing that we have recieved through these times of trial. I know that she has explained some of the things that our family has experienced lately and how we cope with everything. What she probably has not told you is how much she is the glue that has held this family together. Even on the day our world changed forever, she made time to be with the kids so that they were not as scared. She has kept me from going over the edge when I would feel like giving up. Ever since I met my baby girl she has been upbeat and caring. Everyone that knows her has seen her kindness and it oozes from her. One of the most heart wrenching things about loosing our little girl is seeing my wife suffer.

At times, she would see other mothers on the news that were in trouble because they put their children in danger in some way, or something that is all to common these days, a parent putting their needs above their childrens. Crystal is the total opposite, she almost gives so much Andy, Ronnie and her third child JEREMY, that she ends up doing without. She would sometimes ask me why did she not get to keep Jolianne when there are so many that treat their children like any other possesion. I dont know why but I have learned a few things because of her and these could be some of the reasons that Jesus decided to give Jolianne to us for her short time.

1) Crystal and I have found Jesus again. We used to call ourselves Christians in name only and I know that we would not be as close to him without this happening. What good is it to miss her if we wont be able be with her forever once this is all done.

2) How important our family really is. I have never loved my family as much as now. This includes our extended family as well. We all have suffered through this.

3) How strong my family is. They say that a castostrophic event can tear a family apart. Crystal has done everything to prevent this and our family is stronger than ever.

4) How pretty some of my traits can be on a little girl. Ronnie looks just like his momma, but Jolliane had quite a few of my features and she was the most beatiful girl ever. :)

Please keep reading Crystal's posts, she really loves to write and get things off her chest. The people that read this blog are a great source of caring for her and I thank you.

Jolianne's Daddy and Crystal's loving husband

The other day I read on another friend's blog something that I have asked myself a few times. She is another mother who lost her daughter recently and we have connected through our shared losses. She wrote that there is a name for you if you have lost your parents, an orphan. There is a name for you if you have lost a spouse, a widow or a widower. There is not a name for those who have lost a child. I too wondered why that was. Why is there not an acknowledgement for those of us who have lost children. I asked my husband and he told me that it is because it isn't natural to die before your child does. Although that is true. It doesn't take away from the fact that it does happen. There are times when a child passes before their parent does. I have been thinking about this for a few months now. This is what I have come up with. I am still Jolianne's mother. Even though there are people that may meet me that have no idea that my child ever existed, she did. Even though I won't have the tale, tale signs of spit up on my shirt or a car seat in my car, I still have a love that is so very deep for my child. My husband is still her father, my son's are still her brother. My family is still her family. There doesn't need to be an alternative name for what we are. We get the privilege of being the mothers and fathers to sweet angels in heaven. These children only know happiness. They are content and at peace. They are in the presence of God. Although while we are still here on Earth our hearts will ache for the experiences that we will never have, we can find peace in our hearts to know that they are not in pain, they will not experience discomfort or suffering. The bible says that what seems like years will just be a moment once we are reunited. There are days when I feel very strong and there are days when I feel very weak. There are nights when I cry myself to sleep and there are mornings when I feel refreshed and ready to face the day. Although my days may be up and down, there is one thing that I know for certain. I would not be able to do anything without God and my family to support me.

There are some books that I have been reading that have really made a difference in my life.

1. The Bible-I would recommend a study Bible if you are just getting started like I am. It makes things a lot easier to understand. I have a NIV (New International Version) Study Bible. It has been easier for me to read than the King James Version was. I would also recommend starting with the New Testament first, it may be easier to understand that way.

2. Safe in the Arms of God, John MacArther. This is a book that was given to me by my mother-in-law. I actually started reading this book before I started the Bible. It really helped me with questions that I had about Jolianne's death. There are stories from the bible and stories from other parents that have lost a child(ren). After reading this book I wanted to know more about God's Word so that lead to the Bible.

3. Get a good Devotional book. It really helps to start the day off hearing God's Word. There are several different kinds of devotionals, some for men, women, children, teachers, there are a bunch to choose from. The one I have is called Hearing from God each morning-Joyce Meyer.

4. The Confident Woman-Joyce Meyer. This is a book about finding confidence in God. It has been a very eye opening book for me. It has really changed my outlook on life and what God's Plan is for me.

I know that you may be thinking that that is a lot of reading, and it is. Just start out with a little at a time. I read one chapter of the bible to my son Ronnie every night. I set aside some extra time in the morning to read my devotional. These things take 10 to 20 minutes to do. You can read your bible on your lunch break or before you go to bed. My brother Zach told me that he would like to have a devotional to read each morning while he reads his bible. Just do what you can. I think that you will be very happy with the results. God is everywhere around us. Please make the time to put him in your life, you will be happy that you did.

The Eyes Have It

Recently I have had a few people say to me that I seem different to them. This morning I saw my mom before she went to work and she said. "Crystal you look so pretty today." My reply was, "What, I look horrible!" Let me paint you a picture. Old sweatshirt, blue jeans, worn out sneakers, hair pulled back in a clip. She then said, "There's just something in your eyes, the inside coming through."I truly believe that your eyes are a window to your soul. I can remember right after Jo Jo passed when I would look at my eyes and they were so sad. Even when I would try to smile and have a happy attitude you could still see that sadness. I do feel differently now. There is a happiness that I haven't felt in a very long time. When I think of Jolianne it always puts a smile on my face. I miss her so very much, but I focus on good memories that I have of her. Special moments that we shared. Her sweet innocent little face. What a blessing I received.

I am very excited about next week. The boys are off for Spring Break and I am looking forward to hanging out with them. It has been a long time since I got to be off work for Spring Break. I hope that everyone is having a good day.

She's Got A Ticket To Ride

There has been a lot of talk lately about "The End of Days". In the news, at church, conversations with family. I have to admit that the thought of the world ending has always been unappealing to me. I would always think to myself, "There are so many things that I want to achieve, so much I want to see, so much to accomplish. I was living my life for the rewards on earth. I have always been worried that I would be among the ones that were left behind. The thought of that was always very scary to me. The other day when I was at church, Bro Bob mentioned "The End of Days". For the first time in my life, my first thought was, "Alright, bring it on, I get to go to Heaven a little sooner than I thought." It really opened my eyes to how much my life has changed in the last few months. The rearrangement of my priorities, the realization that there is nothing on earth that can come close to comparing to what my life in Heaven will be, the willingness to allow God to be in control of my life. I have started living my life for the rewards of Heaven. Jesus paid for my way to Heaven when He died on the cross. I simply had to go and pick up my ticket. All these years and I finally got it.

I'm living in the days ahead

I'm already dancin' on the streets of gold

Can't stop celebrating in my soul

I'm living in the days ahead

Nothing on Earth could ever compare

Can't wait for the day when I get there

When I see Jesus face to face

What could be better

2007 33 Miles

It's Amazing

It's amazing how the death of a loved one can give you a new meaning of life.
It's amazing how a bible can become an encyclopedia of knowledge.
It's amazing how you can hate the dead tree in your front yard for three years and realize one day that there are 6 bird families living there.
It's amazing how you can stare at the pasture across the street for 10 minutes and finally realize there are 5 deer grazing there peacefully.
It's amazing how you can wake in the morning to the sound of birds outside you window and feel happy instead of annoyed.
It's amazing how you can sit at the Junior High School for an hour waiting on your son to get off the bus and not feel bothered by the wait, but thankful that you have a child to wait on.
It's amazing how you can get so much joy from watching your 6 year old finally learn to tie his shoes and truly feel the excitement he feels and be so proud.
It's amazing how you can be in the middle of an argument with your husband and realize that fighting with him is the last thing you want to be doing so you stop talking and just say "I'm sorry and I love you!"

My life has changed so much in the last 6 months. I am at a place right now that I never thought I would be. After so much hardship and difficulty I feel renewed, like I have a fresh start. An opportunity to make a difference in some one's life. A chance to give comfort in times of sorrow. A chance to show compassion for a complete stranger. A chance to enjoy the little things that I was too busy to notice before. God talks to us everyday. The question is....."Are you listening?"

Angel Baby

It's been a while since I have written. We are all doing well. Ronnie signed up for Awanas last week at church and Andy enjoys fellowship with the youth group. Jeremy and I have been going on Wednesday nights as well. The other day Jeremy said to me, "Now I know why people go to church on Wednesday and Sunday." It is true. We really enjoy the fellowship with everyone up there. They are like a second family. It really does help me to get through the week when I can get that little Wednesday boost!!! It helps me keep my focus on trying to live my life the way God wants. Jeremy and I have decided to become members of the church on Sunday. I am very excited. We feel so blessed to have found a church home.

I went to see Jo Jo today. (It is still kinda weird for me to say "see Jo Jo today") When I drove up there was a little baby bird sitting in front of her stone. It brought a smile to my face. That sweet little baby bird, tilting it's head from side to side and singing a happy tune. It reminded me of my Little Jo, always so eager to see the world around her. Lately when I think of her I am content. I miss her like crazy and I always will, but most of the time when I think of her I just smile and thank God for giving me a little piece of Heaven, even if it was just for a short time.

I have started baking again. As a little girl, I loved to make cookies, muffins, pies, cakes...desserts were my specialty. I was so excited to have a daughter and share my love of baking with her. I decided that I would start making desserts again. Even though Jo Jo is not physically here with me, it is still time that I can take for myself to feel close to her. I think it helps with my grieving if I can think positively about her. I don't want to sit around thinking, "I should be doing this with her", or "I should be doing that". Those thought make life so unbearable. Instead I focus on, "I really enjoy doing this activity" and because I am happy, it brings me closer to Jo Jo. When I laugh she is with me, when I smile she is with me. She is always with me. She is my Angel Baby, always in my heart.

Snow Day

I can't believe it has snowed all day long. It is so beautiful but I know that it will turn in to something awful tomorrow!! Once the temp drops tonight it is going to be an icy mess. For now I will enjoy the scenery. I will enjoy being snuggled up under my blankets while I lazily watch TV. I love to watch CSI. My favorite thing about CSI is that it doesn't matter when you start watching, you can usually pick right up where you need to be. They could be 20 minutes into a show and you can still follow right along. I was thinking today that I am glad that I don't have to work right now. Usually with bad weather I would have to worry about the drive home and worry if it would be OK for me to take the day off for a bad weather day. I don't have to worry about that right now. If it is bad weather, we will stay home. That is something that I have not been able to do in such a long time. I think that in a little while I will make some muffins for when the boys get home. They always enjoy warm muffins when they get off the bus. I may even break out the hot chocolate. I have thought about Jo Jo a lot today. I thought about how she was never able to play in the snow. I thought about her beautiful little face and how she always looked so curious. I wondered what she would think about the falling snow. It has made me a little sad, but I can picture how she would look in my mind and that makes me happy. I hope that everyone is having a good day today.

Andrew Parker Collins

Fourteen years ago, I gave birth to my oldest son. I named him Andrew Parker Collins. Yes, I was a young mother. Yes, most people doubted my ability to care for him. Yes, he changed my life completely and I have never been the same. I have watched a young boy grow into a young man.

I have watched obsessions with toy cars change to longing for a car of his own (in a few years of course). I have seen him liking music grow to him playing music. I think that one of the things that has stood out to me the most happened in the last year. When I was placed in the hospital in August I was certain that it would be Ronnie who had the hardest time. To my surprise it was Andy. He really missed me being at home. He used to come and spend the night with me up at the hospital and we would play on the computer or sometimes he would sit with me in my hospital bed and watch TV beside me. When I got home I realized that while I was gone Andy would sleep on the floor in Ronnie's room so that he wouldn't be afraid. Ronnie asked him to keep sleeping in his room even a little while after I was home. He did this for his brother with no complaints. It really touched my heart to know that he was trying to help and look out for his brother in my absence.

Sometimes I do not know how he feels. I don't know what it is like to lose a sibling, I do know that he is always very strong. On days when he knows I am sad he hugs me and tells me he loves me. He doesn't ask me what is wrong, he knows when I am hurting. He is such a sweet kid. Even when he is being a full out teenager with his headphones on during dinner or banging away on his drum set in his room, he is still my little Andy. No matter how big he gets.

Happy Birthday Andy. I love you very much!!!!

$$Feeding Teenage Boys$$

Andy had his friend Junior and his cousin Hunter come over to stay the night last night in celebration of his birthday.
In preparation I stopped by the store to get some "snacks" for the boys to munch on while they were up last night. We also got 4 large pizzas for dinner. I picked out 3 different bags of chips, cookies, chicken nuggets, Crunch 'n Munch, crackers w/ cheese spray, 2 different punches, Root Beer, and cookies to make. (see below) These kiddos really have an appetite. Hunter is 11, Junior is 12 and Andy is 13 for two more days!! It was fun to see them having a good time. We even played Beatles Rock Band. I was surprised to see my husband singing some of the songs with the kids also. (He never sings!!) I had a duet or two with Andy and Hunter. Finally the boys went to Andy's room to watch Supernatural and Ronnie and Emma went to his room to watch Pinocchio. Emma is Hunter's sister and she came to play with Ronnie. We had a pretty good evening. I was very happy with everything.

Ronnie and Emma woke me up bright and early at 7:00 ready for breakfast. Surprisingly the older boys woke up as well. I was prepared to go all out on breakfast, Jeremy even helped me. We had pancakes, sausage, bacon, scrambled eggs and Sunny Delight. Everyone ate everything we cooked. My niece Emma told me, "Aunt Crystal, everything is sooo good, I thought it was going to be bad but it wasn't. She is too cute. She wasn't too big on the idea of me making pancakes from scratch, but I am really glad that she liked it.

After breakfast I decided to do some baking with Ronnie and Emma. I am a firm believer in place and bake cookies. I think they are one of the best inventions ever made, but sometimes you need to do some breaking of eggs and mixing of flour. It's just good for the soul. I let each of the kids pick the kind of cookies they wanted to make. Ronnie picked double chocolate fudge and Emma picked chocolate chip cookies. They had so much fun mixing everything together. They even got a kick out of licking the spoons when we were done mixing. I did the baking part and when we were done they were super proud of their creations. Here is a picture of them with the finished product.

Don't they just look so adorable. This could be in a magazine add. We had such a great time with our company this weekend. I hope that we can do something like this again soon!!!

I've got a feeling....

I've got a feeling that today is going to be a good day. I woke up this morning with no bad dreams under my belt. I feel like I have a huge weight lifted off my chest. I talked to my brother Chris yesterday for a little over an hour. As usual he had me laughing my head off. He also played me a bunch of songs on his guitar. Andy is supposed to have friends come over to celebrate his birthday. I hope that he invited them. No moms have called to confirm though so I may have to round them up after school. Even if they don't make it we are still having game night tonight so that will be fun. I have new pictures on Jolianne's memorial page. I hope that everyone has a great Friday.

Explaination

I feel like maybe I need to explain more about my post today. I know that not calling your brother on his birthday isn't that big of a deal. And I realize that Andy riding the bus home instead of Zach picking him up isn't either. What worries me is that I don't do stuff like that. The old Crystal always knew when everyone's birthday was and called them. The old Crystal always made sure that plans were exaclty in order and carried out the way they were suppose to be. The old Crystal didn't decide that she wasn't going to answer the phone for an entire day. The old Crystal always made sure to do everything she was suppose to do. It is getting harder and harder to be who I was. I think the thing that hurts the most is to know that I won't ever be exactly the same as I was before. I know that losing a child changes you. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and at least recognize the person looking back at me.

One of those days.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just don't feel like talking to anyone but you don't want to be alone either?
You tell yourself that if you could just get a cup of coffee you would feel much better, but after you drink the biggest coffee you could buy you find that your don't feel better at all.
Lunch time rolls around and you tell yourself that if you could just get a bite to eat you will be doing OK, only to realize after you have eaten a double cheese burger and fries that you still don't feel right.
After lunch you tell yourself that you just need to take a nap and you'll be fine after that, only to find you feel worse than before.
Have you ever pleaded with God to let you have a good nights rest only to find yourself waking up several times through the night, one bad dream after another?
Have you ever woken up one morning after telling yourself for a month that you are OK, only to realize that you are as far away from OK as you've ever been?
That was my day yesterday.

Here is what I hate about wallowing in my own self pity. It makes me neglectful. I can't stand being neglectful. That is not a trait that I would usually associate myself with but here I am today, very angry with myself. Yesterday I let both of my brothers down.

Chris
Yesterday was my brother Chris's 28th birthday. I was aware that it was his birthday all day long. I kept telling myself that I needed to call him and wish him a Happy Birthday. I thought about him for most of the day. I remembered funny little stories that I would tell when I did get him on the phone. That is what Chris and I do. We try to make each other laugh. Most of the time he is the one that has me laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. I just couldn't bring myself to call. I wanted to so bad, but for whatever reason I never did call him. I feel really awful that I couldn't pull myself out of the pit long enough to wish him a Happy Birthday.

Zach
My brother Zach has been amazing this last month helping us to get back into church. He and Stacy go to an awesome church that has really supported us through everything that has been going on with Jolianne. Jeremy and I decided that we would like to attend church with Zach and Stacy so we have been going every Sunday to worship with them. Zach likes to take Andy to church on Wednesday nights to have fellowship with the other youth. I have been very excited for Andy to go and have a good time with the other kids. On Tuesday Zach left a message for me that he was going to be picking up Andy on Wednesday from school and taking him to church that night. Because I have been having a hard time these past few days I haven't checked my messages. Zach drove to the school to pick up Andy, but he wasn't there. He was very worried and tried to call me on my home phone, cell phone and text me. Once again I didn't answer any of the calls. I feel so bad that Zach and Stacy were worried about Andy and on top of that I couldn't even answer my phone to let them know he was OK.

I am not the kind of person that would let her family down like this. I think about my little brothers so often. I call them my little brothers only by age because they are both very much taller than I am. My little brothers who I fought for. My little brothers who I fought with. My little brothers who are both grow men with families of their own. My little brothers who would do anything for me and I would do anything for them. I know that when I talk to them today to explain they will both forgive me and tell me not to worry about it. I know that anyone who is reading this would tell me that I have a lot going on and it is understandable. But before anyone writes that on a comment or thinks that to themselves, I want to say that I don't feel like it is OK. I feel sick about the whole situation. This is bothering me very much. I am afraid of becoming someone that I am not. I am afraid of being that person that you can't count on. I am afraid of being that person that you don't even bother with because I am a lost cause. I am afraid of being that person that is so swallowed up in her own life that she can't enjoy anyone else around her.

I am afraid.

Busy Day Today

I have a lot to write about today so I will just jump right in. I have never seen a headstone placed so when they called us this morning to tell us that they were going to set Jolianne's headstone and that they would like for someone to be there I was glad that I was available to go.

This was the first step. Placing the concrete slab down.

The next thing they did was place the granite base down on top of the concrete.

The last step is to place the headstone on the base.

I am very pleased with the way it turned out. I will be glad when the grass grows in a little bit and there isn't so much raised dirt. We also have two vases that will go on the sides but they are not here yet. I am looking forward to placing flowers in the vases. It was soooo cold out there this morning. The guys that were doing the work were super sweet and they made me laugh for most of the process. It really helped me to feel more at ease about being there alone. Everyone that we have worked with on Jolianne's funeral and cemetery services have been so nice and kind.

While I was over in the cemetery area I went by Hiett's and picked up Jo Jo's death certificate. That made me sad a little. I looked over it and everything was the way it was suppose to be. When I got home I put it with her birth certificate. That was a hard thing to do also. Sometimes I will just start crying. When things remind me of Jo Jo or when I look at her pictures. Most of the time I am doing pretty well considering the situation.

Yesterday I got a dog from my friend Delores. He is a black pug. I named him Nikko, pronounced Nee-ko. He is such a sweet little doggie. He did really well last night. He slept in his crate and only whimpered a little when when turned off the lights. He is good about telling us when he has to go potty but then when we go outside he acts really scared and then goes Poo when he gets back in!!! He is too funny.


Little Nikko in his new shirt.

I went today and got him a leash and collar so that I can keep up with him when we go outside. I also got him a little bed to sleep in. I am hoping once he gets used to our home he can sleep in his bed instead of the crate.

Nikko in his new bed.

I am really enjoying Nikko being around. The boys just adore him also. He is so laid back. He will just sit there and lay with you for hours!!! I hope that everyone is having a good day today.

Dreams

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I would fall asleep for a little while but then I would wake up again. I had so very vivid dreams also. In one of my dreams we were back in the hospital with Jolianne and she had passed away but then she came back so that she could tell us all good-bye.We knew that she wouldn't be with us for very long so we listened carefully to everything she had to say. The saddest thing is that I don't remember one single thing that she said when I woke up this morning. I was clinging to her every word in my dream but then it was all gone as soon as I opened my eyes. It has been four weeks since she left. I can't believe it has been that long. I was telling Jeremy yesterday that I am having trouble remembering somethings. I used to be able to remember every single outfit I dressed her in that last week. I used to remember every single action I took when I woke up to her alarms going off. Now it is a blur. It seems like this whole past month has been a blur. I seem so sure of my self when the days are happening, but when I look back it is just one jumbled day all together. I was reading my book the other day and it talked about how there is a name for you if your parents die, an orphan. There is a name for you when your spouse dies, a widow. There is no name for a person who has lost a child. I wonder why that is. Jeremy said that it is because something like that is not suppose to happen.
On Friday I found some pictures of Jolianne from December 31st, it was the last day we took pictures of her. It broke me in two. I laid on the bed and cried. It took my breath away to see her that way, when the only thing she was hooked up to was the feeding pump. The way she was before she started getting really sick on Saturday. But the thing that really got to me is that if you really look at her, she looks like she is so tired of being here. Like she is saying, "Is it OK for me to go now?" I didn't see it in her when I would look at her because I wanted her to be better. I wanted to believe that I really was going to take my daughter home in a few days. It is all so clear to me now though. She fought so hard every single day. She deserved some relief. Even though it is sad for me here on Earth, I know that she is so happy right now.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

This morning I went to see Jolianne's headstone. They called me yesterday to let me know that it arrived and that they were going to be getting started this morning. It is so beautiful. It won't be too much longer until they place it at her grave site. It is so funny because the woman who is working on it used to drive my bus when I was a kid. Wills Point is such a small town. When I was younger I hated that. Everyone knew everything. Now that I am older I can appreciate the togetherness of a small town. You run into people you know all the time. I used to think that I wanted to move somewhere else, but I want to stay right here in WP.
I can't believe all of the rain that we are getting. I know what you are thinking, "Is she really talking about the weather?" "Yes I am actually." It really makes the day drag on, and on, and on. I like it much better when it is sunny outside. All I want to do is curl up under a blanket and have some hot cocoa and read a book. Unfortunately I have a lot of house work to do before the kids get home. No matter what I do, as soon as little Ronnie gets home he transforms my living room into a giant play room!!! When Jeremy gets home he thinks I haven't done anything all day. Oh well, maybe one day he will come home early and see what it looks like before Ronnie rolls in. Speaking of Ronnie. Yesterday he told me that God gave Jo Jo 4 tiny hearts, and when she used all of those hearts up He decided to take her to Heaven and give her a new heart. He said that she used to have a small heart but now she has a bigger one, an angel heart. Which is way cooler than the hearts we have on Earth!! He also told me that she is bigger now, like a grown up. I love to hear his stories about little Jo Jo. It makes my heart happy.

I have created a new link to pictures of Jolianne. If you click on the In Loving Memory picture to the right you can get to the site. I will be posting pictures of Jolianne to this site every Friday.

The Heart

When I was younger I used to watch a movie called Untamed Hearts. One of the scenes that sticks out in my mind today is when the boy says that he doesn't want a heart transplant because he thinks that he will not be able to love the girl anymore. She says to him, "You love with your mind and your soul, not your heart." Up until recently I believed that was true. You do love with your heart. Think of all the saying about your heart. My HEART skipped a beat when I say you. I love you with all my HEART. I cross my HEART. These things had to come from somewhere. When I think of Jolianne, really think about things, my heart feels heavy. That is a real thing that I am feeling. It's not imaginary or ficticious. My heart truly hurts sometimes. The heart is such a vital organ. We can't do anything without it. Life cannot sustain without your heart. It's not like a kidney or your tonsils. Something that can be discarded if things don't work out right. It is the center of everything. It is my heart that breaks when I miss my little angel. I know that someone who is super smart will say, "Actually Crystal, when you feel emotions in your brain it sends signals to your body and your body reacts, and blah, blah, blah. And that person would be absolutely correct. It just doesn't sound right to say, my brain is broken (which it probably is, but that is a whole other story).

My son Andy had a project this month for pre-AP Science. He was to do a model of the human heart. Thanks so my extensive research when Jolianne was in the hospital I was pretty much a pro at this project. One day when Andy and I were working together he said to me, "Mom this heart thing is all pretty complex." The heart is pretty complex. It baffles me how perfectly God can create a body to work just the way it is suppose to together. I know that in Jolianne's case her heart did amazing things to compensate for what did not form properly. God's hands were at work with her. When things got too hard for her heart he gave her relief and took her back to Heaven. God is in my heart. And for that reason I will say I do love with my heart. I love with my soul. Who knows maybe your soul is in your heart. Anyway it goes, I guess the thing I should be most happy about is that I do have the ability to Love. No matter what life brings, I will never stop loving and I will never stop being loved. (Cross My Heart)!!

Gifts

I have been told quite a bit lately how strong I am. The truth of the matter is my Lord is strong and because He holds me, I am strong by default. It saddens me though, that for most of us the only time we give God credit for anything is when something bad happens. Why did God let my brother die? Why did God let me loose my house? Why did God allow my car to break down. Where was God when I lost my job? Very rarely do we acknowledge his presence in the good things that happen. I'm not talking miracles, I mean the every day things. Let me share a story with you. Some of you that know me well may already be aware of most of these things. Last year I made a lot of decisions. In February I decided that I wanted to have a baby. I thought to myself that I was a good mother and I deserve to be able to have another child. When I found out I was pregnant in March I was thrilled. I'm sure that I said Thank You to God but for the most part I took credit for getting pregnant. Around April, Jeremy and I decided that we wanted to have a house built. We made all of the plans and preparations. We were so excited that we were going to make this happen. Once again, I took credit for the blessing. In May there was an opportunity for a promotion at my job. I applied for the job thinking that I was such a hard worker and a quick learner, I deserved that job. When I got the job I was thrilled. Chalk another one up to Crystal being awesome!!!! So many times we start to get cocky and think that we are in complete control of our lives. Not one time did I truly give God credit for the things I was able to achieve. Do you want to know something? This year I don't have a single thing that I made plans for last year. I lost my house in August when I was put on bedrest. I lost my job when I was not able to go back to work after Jolianne was born because she was in the hospital. I lost my daughter in January due to her heart giving out. I am not bitter or resentful for these losses. The bible says that we are to praise God for the gifts we receive and find comfort in His sovereignty when we struggle in life. The only way to have a healthy relationship with God is when you turn to him in the good times and the bad times. When we are children we look to our parents to teach us lessons, they are to mold us and shape us and make us better people. I was a very stubborn child. I often turned away from lessons because I thought that I knew it all. I wanted to be so independent and take care of problems on my own. When I became an adult I realized that my parents really did know what they were talking about. I am a child of the Lord. He is my Father. He has many lessons for me to learn. He knows my heart like no one else. (Psalm 139 v.1-4) Even when a lesson hurts, I have to learn and grow from the experience. I have to put my pride to the side and allow him to have control of my life. He can mold me and make me into a better person. We cannot ask God why he does things. In doing so we are always looking to the past. Instead we must ask "What now Lord". In that question we are always looking forward. I do look forward to the future with bright eyes. There is so much for me to learn and see. I will keep these lessons close to my heart and keep taking steps forward. I will give praise to God for all of the gifts that He gives me daily, I will ask for a comfort that only He can provide when I am broken.

For everyone that reads this today. Please take a moment to give God the credit he deserves. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

New Reading Material

Well I finished reading the Twilight Saga. I read the last two book in two weeks. I blew myself away with that one. I usually take months to read a book but I guess because needed such a break that I dove in let myself be consumed by the stories. I was talking to Kim the other day and told her that I think I am obsessing with Vampires because they are immortal. They never get old and they never die. At least I can recognize my obsession. You know what they say, crazy people don't know that they are crazy!!!! I did buy a new book today. It is called My Sister's Keeper. I like it so far. I read about 100 pages today, it kind of reminds me of our situation with Jolianne. Being in the hospital and how shocking it is when your child is going to have to go through a lifetime of medical treatment. I had a pretty good day today. I didn't have any episodes of being guilty because I was enjoying myself. That has been the hardest thing to get past, self punishment. Reading my bible has helped tremendously. I really do find so much strength in our Lord and the plan he has for me. I'm not 100% sure what that plan is just yet, but I will keep my mind and my heart open so that when he tells me I will be sure to be listening!!

Letting myself feel.

I was driving down the street today and I decided that I was going to go see Jolianne. Such an innocent thought at first and then slowly it started to creep into my soul what that really meant. A month ago going to see Jo Jo meant going to the hospital and actually SEEING my daughter. Holding her close to me, talking with her, looking into her big blue eyes. That was not what I was going to be doing today. The closer I got the more sick I felt. I thought for a moment that I should just turn around and go home. I couldn't manage to do that. When I got to the cemetery I parked my car, got out and started walking to her grave site. I could feel the heat burning in my cheeks, my stomach felt so uneasy. I sat down on the ground in front of her place. I let down my walls and cried. I know that this may sound weird, but I have never cried at Jolianne's grave. I don't think that I have ever allowed myself to feel when I was there. Today was different. I let the tears fall down my face as I sat there with my eyes closed wishing so bad that I could see by little Jo Jo. Wishing that I could go back in time and hold her one more time. I felt so crushed by reality. I stayed for a little while and decided to go back home. As I drove home I felt so drained, almost beat down with agony. My eyes burned and my head hurt very bad. I wanted to crawl into my bed and cover up and just sleep for days. I knew that I couldn't do that. I new that if I let myself get to far gone that it may be too hard to come back. I realized why I protect myself so much. I could very easily forget everything else in my life and drown in this sorrow. I don't even think anyone would blame me. I just can't do that to my family. I love them so much. I will let my guard down a little each day and allow myself to feel this hurt because I know that this is part of the process. I still feel like I need to be strong most of the time, if for nothing more than my own sanity.

One of my better days.

I had a pretty good day today. I have been helping my dad out lately during the day so that keeps me busy. When I got home I decided to look through the pamphlets and books I have received lately. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There were a lot of comforting stories to read. I didn't linger too long though. I guess I have this fear of getting too down. I feel like I always have to be protecting myself from the dark side of things. I was talking to my mom last night and she said that she felt that way too, like she wanted to protect me from hurting, but that she didn't know exactly how to do that. I know that it is natural for me to feel the grief, it just scares me to let it have too much control. It is a fine line to walk when you are trying to keep your well being in check. Some may say I'm in denial about things, those people may be right, I am not really sure though. I am very aware that my daughter is no longer here, but I am terrified of sinking into a deep dark depression. My mom said that maybe the reason I have bad dreams every night is because I am not dealing with my grief during the day. I am blocking so much out for my sanity. But is has to go somewhere, it doesn't just disappear, it sinks into the back of my mind and comes out when I don't have control of my feelings. I am not so sure that this is healthy. For now it is what it is. Not really sure what phase of grieving I am in, certainly no where near the end. I do feel like I want to be strong for my children. I feel bad when I break down in front of them. I know that it is stupid for me to feel bad but I can't help it. I want their lives to be somewhat normal, I know that it will all come in time. I just need to keep my faith and find strength in God.

Mail and Cows (just keep reading)

It is so weird, but this past week I have gotten so much mail about "The Loss of Your Child". It's like I was put on some kind of mailing list or something. I don't want to read any of it either. I'm not really sure why, but I just don't. It feels weird because when I flip through them they are all telling me what is OK for me to feel. I don't really need books for that. I know how I feel. I don't really care if someone wrote it down on a piece of paper to make it OK. The truth of the matter is, it's almost as if reading all of those pamplets will make everything even more real than it already is. All they do is make me feel depressed (a feeling I have been trying desprately to avoid.)Maybe eventually I will get around to reading them, for now I will focus on the fictional pieces. I have completely submerged myself in the Twilight series. I read Eclipse last week and I have moved on to Breaking Dawn Sunday evening. I can't put the books down. It is like a little escape for me. A vacation from reality. I get so wrapped up in the stories. It feels nice to get away for a while and not have to deal.

I have been doing pretty good about keeping busy. The boys where off on Monday and Tuesday. It was nice to get to spend time with them. Ronnie got a new scooter for Christmas and he wanted to take it for a ride down the street. I drove us to the blacktop and he scooted along while I walked behind him. I stared to think back to when my brothers and I would ride our bikes and roller blade down that very road. We felt so free to be out "on our own" exploring the world around us. It made me happy to know that Ronnie was getting to feel that way now. There are perks to living in the country. You aren't really in danger of traffic while you are enjoying yourself being a kid. It is nice as a grown up also. You get to sit on your porch and no one around to bother you or be annoying. There is a group of cows that come into our yard every night. We don't even think anything of it anymore. Those three black cows have somehow become part of our family. Jeremy said to me last night that he thought it was kind of cool to have cows in the yard. We'll see what the thinks when he steps in a cow paddy!!! ha ha That will probably be more funny to me than to him but oh well, you gotta get your laughs however and whenever you can.

The Rough Times

I had a rough evening last night. Jeremy was late getting home and I kept thinking that maybe something happened to him. I felt an overwhelming sense of fear. Then I started to miss Jolianne. I missed holding her while she slept. I missed the way she used to smell. The cute noises she would make when she was trying to talk to me. I was truly sad. There are certain things that may happen in life that make us sad. Some are more severe than others. You know what I mean, different levels of events. You never know when you experience something hurtful if this will be the saddest you will ever be. You can't really tell until the next sad thing happens and you have something to compare to. Death is so absolute. There are many different levels to it. No matter how many people you talk to, each experience is different. It's different and the same. People grieve differently. Even in the same family people grieve differently. Sometimes it is me who breaks down and sometimes it is Jeremy. It is amazing how we can lean on each other and gather strength in each other. I love my husband so so much. We have a deeper understanding of each other. I know that he will be there no matter how hard life gets. What an amazing gift God gave me when he gave me Jeremy!!

The Puzzle

I am trying to put my life back together.

Have you ever done a puzzle and there is that one piece that is missing? I call that my Jo Jo piece. No matter how hard I try to get things in order there will always be that one piece missing. I want so badly to get into a normal routine again. I know that Jolianne will always be on my mind in one way or another, but I yearn for that day when it doesn't completely consume me. One day when I will stop asking all of the "what if" questions. One day when I will accept what has happened and take steps forward with all of the sweet memories of my angel in my heart. I have bad dreams at night. I never feel rested, but I continue to trudge on through each day. I try to be so strong for my boys, all three of them. I have always considered myself to be a positive person. Someone who finds the good in any situation. That is just in my nature, it can't help it, this is who I was meant to be. Each day is a new chance for me to find my way, to have the courage that I need to make it through.

I find myself singing along to the radio with a smile on my face and I am immediately pull back into the sorrow that I feel. I know that Jo Jo would want me to be happy, that she would love to see me singing and smiling and enjoying myself. I can't help but feel guilty though. Those are things that I want to move past. When I can just be me again, bad singing and all. There are so many rolls that we play in life. Some are a little more difficult than others. I accept all rolls with an open mind. You never know what kind of a impact you can have on someone elses life.

I will continue with my puzzle. I know that it will never be quite the way I imagined it to be, but none the less, this is my puzzle. My puzzle that is still beautiful even with missing pieces.