Dreams

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I would fall asleep for a little while but then I would wake up again. I had so very vivid dreams also. In one of my dreams we were back in the hospital with Jolianne and she had passed away but then she came back so that she could tell us all good-bye.We knew that she wouldn't be with us for very long so we listened carefully to everything she had to say. The saddest thing is that I don't remember one single thing that she said when I woke up this morning. I was clinging to her every word in my dream but then it was all gone as soon as I opened my eyes. It has been four weeks since she left. I can't believe it has been that long. I was telling Jeremy yesterday that I am having trouble remembering somethings. I used to be able to remember every single outfit I dressed her in that last week. I used to remember every single action I took when I woke up to her alarms going off. Now it is a blur. It seems like this whole past month has been a blur. I seem so sure of my self when the days are happening, but when I look back it is just one jumbled day all together. I was reading my book the other day and it talked about how there is a name for you if your parents die, an orphan. There is a name for you when your spouse dies, a widow. There is no name for a person who has lost a child. I wonder why that is. Jeremy said that it is because something like that is not suppose to happen.
On Friday I found some pictures of Jolianne from December 31st, it was the last day we took pictures of her. It broke me in two. I laid on the bed and cried. It took my breath away to see her that way, when the only thing she was hooked up to was the feeding pump. The way she was before she started getting really sick on Saturday. But the thing that really got to me is that if you really look at her, she looks like she is so tired of being here. Like she is saying, "Is it OK for me to go now?" I didn't see it in her when I would look at her because I wanted her to be better. I wanted to believe that I really was going to take my daughter home in a few days. It is all so clear to me now though. She fought so hard every single day. She deserved some relief. Even though it is sad for me here on Earth, I know that she is so happy right now.

Rain, Rain, Go Away

This morning I went to see Jolianne's headstone. They called me yesterday to let me know that it arrived and that they were going to be getting started this morning. It is so beautiful. It won't be too much longer until they place it at her grave site. It is so funny because the woman who is working on it used to drive my bus when I was a kid. Wills Point is such a small town. When I was younger I hated that. Everyone knew everything. Now that I am older I can appreciate the togetherness of a small town. You run into people you know all the time. I used to think that I wanted to move somewhere else, but I want to stay right here in WP.
I can't believe all of the rain that we are getting. I know what you are thinking, "Is she really talking about the weather?" "Yes I am actually." It really makes the day drag on, and on, and on. I like it much better when it is sunny outside. All I want to do is curl up under a blanket and have some hot cocoa and read a book. Unfortunately I have a lot of house work to do before the kids get home. No matter what I do, as soon as little Ronnie gets home he transforms my living room into a giant play room!!! When Jeremy gets home he thinks I haven't done anything all day. Oh well, maybe one day he will come home early and see what it looks like before Ronnie rolls in. Speaking of Ronnie. Yesterday he told me that God gave Jo Jo 4 tiny hearts, and when she used all of those hearts up He decided to take her to Heaven and give her a new heart. He said that she used to have a small heart but now she has a bigger one, an angel heart. Which is way cooler than the hearts we have on Earth!! He also told me that she is bigger now, like a grown up. I love to hear his stories about little Jo Jo. It makes my heart happy.

I have created a new link to pictures of Jolianne. If you click on the In Loving Memory picture to the right you can get to the site. I will be posting pictures of Jolianne to this site every Friday.

The Heart

When I was younger I used to watch a movie called Untamed Hearts. One of the scenes that sticks out in my mind today is when the boy says that he doesn't want a heart transplant because he thinks that he will not be able to love the girl anymore. She says to him, "You love with your mind and your soul, not your heart." Up until recently I believed that was true. You do love with your heart. Think of all the saying about your heart. My HEART skipped a beat when I say you. I love you with all my HEART. I cross my HEART. These things had to come from somewhere. When I think of Jolianne, really think about things, my heart feels heavy. That is a real thing that I am feeling. It's not imaginary or ficticious. My heart truly hurts sometimes. The heart is such a vital organ. We can't do anything without it. Life cannot sustain without your heart. It's not like a kidney or your tonsils. Something that can be discarded if things don't work out right. It is the center of everything. It is my heart that breaks when I miss my little angel. I know that someone who is super smart will say, "Actually Crystal, when you feel emotions in your brain it sends signals to your body and your body reacts, and blah, blah, blah. And that person would be absolutely correct. It just doesn't sound right to say, my brain is broken (which it probably is, but that is a whole other story).

My son Andy had a project this month for pre-AP Science. He was to do a model of the human heart. Thanks so my extensive research when Jolianne was in the hospital I was pretty much a pro at this project. One day when Andy and I were working together he said to me, "Mom this heart thing is all pretty complex." The heart is pretty complex. It baffles me how perfectly God can create a body to work just the way it is suppose to together. I know that in Jolianne's case her heart did amazing things to compensate for what did not form properly. God's hands were at work with her. When things got too hard for her heart he gave her relief and took her back to Heaven. God is in my heart. And for that reason I will say I do love with my heart. I love with my soul. Who knows maybe your soul is in your heart. Anyway it goes, I guess the thing I should be most happy about is that I do have the ability to Love. No matter what life brings, I will never stop loving and I will never stop being loved. (Cross My Heart)!!

Gifts

I have been told quite a bit lately how strong I am. The truth of the matter is my Lord is strong and because He holds me, I am strong by default. It saddens me though, that for most of us the only time we give God credit for anything is when something bad happens. Why did God let my brother die? Why did God let me loose my house? Why did God allow my car to break down. Where was God when I lost my job? Very rarely do we acknowledge his presence in the good things that happen. I'm not talking miracles, I mean the every day things. Let me share a story with you. Some of you that know me well may already be aware of most of these things. Last year I made a lot of decisions. In February I decided that I wanted to have a baby. I thought to myself that I was a good mother and I deserve to be able to have another child. When I found out I was pregnant in March I was thrilled. I'm sure that I said Thank You to God but for the most part I took credit for getting pregnant. Around April, Jeremy and I decided that we wanted to have a house built. We made all of the plans and preparations. We were so excited that we were going to make this happen. Once again, I took credit for the blessing. In May there was an opportunity for a promotion at my job. I applied for the job thinking that I was such a hard worker and a quick learner, I deserved that job. When I got the job I was thrilled. Chalk another one up to Crystal being awesome!!!! So many times we start to get cocky and think that we are in complete control of our lives. Not one time did I truly give God credit for the things I was able to achieve. Do you want to know something? This year I don't have a single thing that I made plans for last year. I lost my house in August when I was put on bedrest. I lost my job when I was not able to go back to work after Jolianne was born because she was in the hospital. I lost my daughter in January due to her heart giving out. I am not bitter or resentful for these losses. The bible says that we are to praise God for the gifts we receive and find comfort in His sovereignty when we struggle in life. The only way to have a healthy relationship with God is when you turn to him in the good times and the bad times. When we are children we look to our parents to teach us lessons, they are to mold us and shape us and make us better people. I was a very stubborn child. I often turned away from lessons because I thought that I knew it all. I wanted to be so independent and take care of problems on my own. When I became an adult I realized that my parents really did know what they were talking about. I am a child of the Lord. He is my Father. He has many lessons for me to learn. He knows my heart like no one else. (Psalm 139 v.1-4) Even when a lesson hurts, I have to learn and grow from the experience. I have to put my pride to the side and allow him to have control of my life. He can mold me and make me into a better person. We cannot ask God why he does things. In doing so we are always looking to the past. Instead we must ask "What now Lord". In that question we are always looking forward. I do look forward to the future with bright eyes. There is so much for me to learn and see. I will keep these lessons close to my heart and keep taking steps forward. I will give praise to God for all of the gifts that He gives me daily, I will ask for a comfort that only He can provide when I am broken.

For everyone that reads this today. Please take a moment to give God the credit he deserves. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. (Philippians 4:13)

New Reading Material

Well I finished reading the Twilight Saga. I read the last two book in two weeks. I blew myself away with that one. I usually take months to read a book but I guess because needed such a break that I dove in let myself be consumed by the stories. I was talking to Kim the other day and told her that I think I am obsessing with Vampires because they are immortal. They never get old and they never die. At least I can recognize my obsession. You know what they say, crazy people don't know that they are crazy!!!! I did buy a new book today. It is called My Sister's Keeper. I like it so far. I read about 100 pages today, it kind of reminds me of our situation with Jolianne. Being in the hospital and how shocking it is when your child is going to have to go through a lifetime of medical treatment. I had a pretty good day today. I didn't have any episodes of being guilty because I was enjoying myself. That has been the hardest thing to get past, self punishment. Reading my bible has helped tremendously. I really do find so much strength in our Lord and the plan he has for me. I'm not 100% sure what that plan is just yet, but I will keep my mind and my heart open so that when he tells me I will be sure to be listening!!

Letting myself feel.

I was driving down the street today and I decided that I was going to go see Jolianne. Such an innocent thought at first and then slowly it started to creep into my soul what that really meant. A month ago going to see Jo Jo meant going to the hospital and actually SEEING my daughter. Holding her close to me, talking with her, looking into her big blue eyes. That was not what I was going to be doing today. The closer I got the more sick I felt. I thought for a moment that I should just turn around and go home. I couldn't manage to do that. When I got to the cemetery I parked my car, got out and started walking to her grave site. I could feel the heat burning in my cheeks, my stomach felt so uneasy. I sat down on the ground in front of her place. I let down my walls and cried. I know that this may sound weird, but I have never cried at Jolianne's grave. I don't think that I have ever allowed myself to feel when I was there. Today was different. I let the tears fall down my face as I sat there with my eyes closed wishing so bad that I could see by little Jo Jo. Wishing that I could go back in time and hold her one more time. I felt so crushed by reality. I stayed for a little while and decided to go back home. As I drove home I felt so drained, almost beat down with agony. My eyes burned and my head hurt very bad. I wanted to crawl into my bed and cover up and just sleep for days. I knew that I couldn't do that. I new that if I let myself get to far gone that it may be too hard to come back. I realized why I protect myself so much. I could very easily forget everything else in my life and drown in this sorrow. I don't even think anyone would blame me. I just can't do that to my family. I love them so much. I will let my guard down a little each day and allow myself to feel this hurt because I know that this is part of the process. I still feel like I need to be strong most of the time, if for nothing more than my own sanity.

One of my better days.

I had a pretty good day today. I have been helping my dad out lately during the day so that keeps me busy. When I got home I decided to look through the pamphlets and books I have received lately. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There were a lot of comforting stories to read. I didn't linger too long though. I guess I have this fear of getting too down. I feel like I always have to be protecting myself from the dark side of things. I was talking to my mom last night and she said that she felt that way too, like she wanted to protect me from hurting, but that she didn't know exactly how to do that. I know that it is natural for me to feel the grief, it just scares me to let it have too much control. It is a fine line to walk when you are trying to keep your well being in check. Some may say I'm in denial about things, those people may be right, I am not really sure though. I am very aware that my daughter is no longer here, but I am terrified of sinking into a deep dark depression. My mom said that maybe the reason I have bad dreams every night is because I am not dealing with my grief during the day. I am blocking so much out for my sanity. But is has to go somewhere, it doesn't just disappear, it sinks into the back of my mind and comes out when I don't have control of my feelings. I am not so sure that this is healthy. For now it is what it is. Not really sure what phase of grieving I am in, certainly no where near the end. I do feel like I want to be strong for my children. I feel bad when I break down in front of them. I know that it is stupid for me to feel bad but I can't help it. I want their lives to be somewhat normal, I know that it will all come in time. I just need to keep my faith and find strength in God.

Mail and Cows (just keep reading)

It is so weird, but this past week I have gotten so much mail about "The Loss of Your Child". It's like I was put on some kind of mailing list or something. I don't want to read any of it either. I'm not really sure why, but I just don't. It feels weird because when I flip through them they are all telling me what is OK for me to feel. I don't really need books for that. I know how I feel. I don't really care if someone wrote it down on a piece of paper to make it OK. The truth of the matter is, it's almost as if reading all of those pamplets will make everything even more real than it already is. All they do is make me feel depressed (a feeling I have been trying desprately to avoid.)Maybe eventually I will get around to reading them, for now I will focus on the fictional pieces. I have completely submerged myself in the Twilight series. I read Eclipse last week and I have moved on to Breaking Dawn Sunday evening. I can't put the books down. It is like a little escape for me. A vacation from reality. I get so wrapped up in the stories. It feels nice to get away for a while and not have to deal.

I have been doing pretty good about keeping busy. The boys where off on Monday and Tuesday. It was nice to get to spend time with them. Ronnie got a new scooter for Christmas and he wanted to take it for a ride down the street. I drove us to the blacktop and he scooted along while I walked behind him. I stared to think back to when my brothers and I would ride our bikes and roller blade down that very road. We felt so free to be out "on our own" exploring the world around us. It made me happy to know that Ronnie was getting to feel that way now. There are perks to living in the country. You aren't really in danger of traffic while you are enjoying yourself being a kid. It is nice as a grown up also. You get to sit on your porch and no one around to bother you or be annoying. There is a group of cows that come into our yard every night. We don't even think anything of it anymore. Those three black cows have somehow become part of our family. Jeremy said to me last night that he thought it was kind of cool to have cows in the yard. We'll see what the thinks when he steps in a cow paddy!!! ha ha That will probably be more funny to me than to him but oh well, you gotta get your laughs however and whenever you can.

The Rough Times

I had a rough evening last night. Jeremy was late getting home and I kept thinking that maybe something happened to him. I felt an overwhelming sense of fear. Then I started to miss Jolianne. I missed holding her while she slept. I missed the way she used to smell. The cute noises she would make when she was trying to talk to me. I was truly sad. There are certain things that may happen in life that make us sad. Some are more severe than others. You know what I mean, different levels of events. You never know when you experience something hurtful if this will be the saddest you will ever be. You can't really tell until the next sad thing happens and you have something to compare to. Death is so absolute. There are many different levels to it. No matter how many people you talk to, each experience is different. It's different and the same. People grieve differently. Even in the same family people grieve differently. Sometimes it is me who breaks down and sometimes it is Jeremy. It is amazing how we can lean on each other and gather strength in each other. I love my husband so so much. We have a deeper understanding of each other. I know that he will be there no matter how hard life gets. What an amazing gift God gave me when he gave me Jeremy!!

The Puzzle

I am trying to put my life back together.

Have you ever done a puzzle and there is that one piece that is missing? I call that my Jo Jo piece. No matter how hard I try to get things in order there will always be that one piece missing. I want so badly to get into a normal routine again. I know that Jolianne will always be on my mind in one way or another, but I yearn for that day when it doesn't completely consume me. One day when I will stop asking all of the "what if" questions. One day when I will accept what has happened and take steps forward with all of the sweet memories of my angel in my heart. I have bad dreams at night. I never feel rested, but I continue to trudge on through each day. I try to be so strong for my boys, all three of them. I have always considered myself to be a positive person. Someone who finds the good in any situation. That is just in my nature, it can't help it, this is who I was meant to be. Each day is a new chance for me to find my way, to have the courage that I need to make it through.

I find myself singing along to the radio with a smile on my face and I am immediately pull back into the sorrow that I feel. I know that Jo Jo would want me to be happy, that she would love to see me singing and smiling and enjoying myself. I can't help but feel guilty though. Those are things that I want to move past. When I can just be me again, bad singing and all. There are so many rolls that we play in life. Some are a little more difficult than others. I accept all rolls with an open mind. You never know what kind of a impact you can have on someone elses life.

I will continue with my puzzle. I know that it will never be quite the way I imagined it to be, but none the less, this is my puzzle. My puzzle that is still beautiful even with missing pieces.