Letting myself feel.

I was driving down the street today and I decided that I was going to go see Jolianne. Such an innocent thought at first and then slowly it started to creep into my soul what that really meant. A month ago going to see Jo Jo meant going to the hospital and actually SEEING my daughter. Holding her close to me, talking with her, looking into her big blue eyes. That was not what I was going to be doing today. The closer I got the more sick I felt. I thought for a moment that I should just turn around and go home. I couldn't manage to do that. When I got to the cemetery I parked my car, got out and started walking to her grave site. I could feel the heat burning in my cheeks, my stomach felt so uneasy. I sat down on the ground in front of her place. I let down my walls and cried. I know that this may sound weird, but I have never cried at Jolianne's grave. I don't think that I have ever allowed myself to feel when I was there. Today was different. I let the tears fall down my face as I sat there with my eyes closed wishing so bad that I could see by little Jo Jo. Wishing that I could go back in time and hold her one more time. I felt so crushed by reality. I stayed for a little while and decided to go back home. As I drove home I felt so drained, almost beat down with agony. My eyes burned and my head hurt very bad. I wanted to crawl into my bed and cover up and just sleep for days. I knew that I couldn't do that. I new that if I let myself get to far gone that it may be too hard to come back. I realized why I protect myself so much. I could very easily forget everything else in my life and drown in this sorrow. I don't even think anyone would blame me. I just can't do that to my family. I love them so much. I will let my guard down a little each day and allow myself to feel this hurt because I know that this is part of the process. I still feel like I need to be strong most of the time, if for nothing more than my own sanity.