One of my better days.

I had a pretty good day today. I have been helping my dad out lately during the day so that keeps me busy. When I got home I decided to look through the pamphlets and books I have received lately. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. There were a lot of comforting stories to read. I didn't linger too long though. I guess I have this fear of getting too down. I feel like I always have to be protecting myself from the dark side of things. I was talking to my mom last night and she said that she felt that way too, like she wanted to protect me from hurting, but that she didn't know exactly how to do that. I know that it is natural for me to feel the grief, it just scares me to let it have too much control. It is a fine line to walk when you are trying to keep your well being in check. Some may say I'm in denial about things, those people may be right, I am not really sure though. I am very aware that my daughter is no longer here, but I am terrified of sinking into a deep dark depression. My mom said that maybe the reason I have bad dreams every night is because I am not dealing with my grief during the day. I am blocking so much out for my sanity. But is has to go somewhere, it doesn't just disappear, it sinks into the back of my mind and comes out when I don't have control of my feelings. I am not so sure that this is healthy. For now it is what it is. Not really sure what phase of grieving I am in, certainly no where near the end. I do feel like I want to be strong for my children. I feel bad when I break down in front of them. I know that it is stupid for me to feel bad but I can't help it. I want their lives to be somewhat normal, I know that it will all come in time. I just need to keep my faith and find strength in God.