I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I would fall asleep for a little while but then I would wake up again. I had so very vivid dreams also. In one of my dreams we were back in the hospital with Jolianne and she had passed away but then she came back so that she could tell us all good-bye.We knew that she wouldn't be with us for very long so we listened carefully to everything she had to say. The saddest thing is that I don't remember one single thing that she said when I woke up this morning. I was clinging to her every word in my dream but then it was all gone as soon as I opened my eyes. It has been four weeks since she left. I can't believe it has been that long. I was telling Jeremy yesterday that I am having trouble remembering somethings. I used to be able to remember every single outfit I dressed her in that last week. I used to remember every single action I took when I woke up to her alarms going off. Now it is a blur. It seems like this whole past month has been a blur. I seem so sure of my self when the days are happening, but when I look back it is just one jumbled day all together. I was reading my book the other day and it talked about how there is a name for you if your parents die, an orphan. There is a name for you when your spouse dies, a widow. There is no name for a person who has lost a child. I wonder why that is. Jeremy said that it is because something like that is not suppose to happen.
On Friday I found some pictures of Jolianne from December 31st, it was the last day we took pictures of her. It broke me in two. I laid on the bed and cried. It took my breath away to see her that way, when the only thing she was hooked up to was the feeding pump. The way she was before she started getting really sick on Saturday. But the thing that really got to me is that if you really look at her, she looks like she is so tired of being here. Like she is saying, "Is it OK for me to go now?" I didn't see it in her when I would look at her because I wanted her to be better. I wanted to believe that I really was going to take my daughter home in a few days. It is all so clear to me now though. She fought so hard every single day. She deserved some relief. Even though it is sad for me here on Earth, I know that she is so happy right now.
Jeremy and Ronnie
In Loving Memory
Jolianne Charlene Clayton 9/29/2009 - 1/03/2010
4 comments:
You gave me chills as I read your post and put tears in my eyes. My heart aches for you every day. Every Sunday that rolls around my heart aches for you more on that day then the other days of the week. I have very rough Sundays, I cannot imagine what yours are like. John and I were looking at her picture today and just talking about her and thinking about her (We look at her picture everyday). I just want you to know (as always) I am here for you, I think of you often and I wish there was something I could do to ease some of your broken heart. I was going to call you yesterday to see if I could come visit you but time got away from me. I hope to see you real soon!
Love Ya,
Kim
My heart breaks for you Crystal, even tho Abby was not mine somedays I feel as heartbroken as her mom Carrie does. I agree things like this should never happen and that is why no one can think of a name for someone who has lost a child other then heartbroken and very sad.
I know Carrie has had dreams as well and I truely believe when you dream about them they are coming through from heaven to give you some relief and let you know its all ok and you will see eachother again.
I hope you are able to get a good night sleep soon.
Hugs,
Crystal
big hugs i reckon shes sad when u r sad:) hugs to all love u
Crystal,
I have read every post you created. I know your pain, I know your heartache. Our little angel didnt make it that far. Jolianne is simply beautiful. My heart goes out to you.Me an Sean an Corey miss Abby everyday.
People thought we were cold an morbid for having a service for our little angel, taken too soon. Noone can understand the grief of losing thier baby.No matter in the womb, oor after. Thank you for reaching out to me, and I hope we can strike up a freindship. We need to be strong, for our little girls. Soon we will be ordering Abby's stone. I cannot wait, I think I may feel a bit more at peace with it all maybe. My heart will always ache, and I totally hear your words, feel the love lost.
Take care, look forward to talking to you soon,
CarrieAnn, mommy to angel Abby Lynn.
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