One of those days.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just don't feel like talking to anyone but you don't want to be alone either?
You tell yourself that if you could just get a cup of coffee you would feel much better, but after you drink the biggest coffee you could buy you find that your don't feel better at all.
Lunch time rolls around and you tell yourself that if you could just get a bite to eat you will be doing OK, only to realize after you have eaten a double cheese burger and fries that you still don't feel right.
After lunch you tell yourself that you just need to take a nap and you'll be fine after that, only to find you feel worse than before.
Have you ever pleaded with God to let you have a good nights rest only to find yourself waking up several times through the night, one bad dream after another?
Have you ever woken up one morning after telling yourself for a month that you are OK, only to realize that you are as far away from OK as you've ever been?
That was my day yesterday.

Here is what I hate about wallowing in my own self pity. It makes me neglectful. I can't stand being neglectful. That is not a trait that I would usually associate myself with but here I am today, very angry with myself. Yesterday I let both of my brothers down.

Chris
Yesterday was my brother Chris's 28th birthday. I was aware that it was his birthday all day long. I kept telling myself that I needed to call him and wish him a Happy Birthday. I thought about him for most of the day. I remembered funny little stories that I would tell when I did get him on the phone. That is what Chris and I do. We try to make each other laugh. Most of the time he is the one that has me laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. I just couldn't bring myself to call. I wanted to so bad, but for whatever reason I never did call him. I feel really awful that I couldn't pull myself out of the pit long enough to wish him a Happy Birthday.

Zach
My brother Zach has been amazing this last month helping us to get back into church. He and Stacy go to an awesome church that has really supported us through everything that has been going on with Jolianne. Jeremy and I decided that we would like to attend church with Zach and Stacy so we have been going every Sunday to worship with them. Zach likes to take Andy to church on Wednesday nights to have fellowship with the other youth. I have been very excited for Andy to go and have a good time with the other kids. On Tuesday Zach left a message for me that he was going to be picking up Andy on Wednesday from school and taking him to church that night. Because I have been having a hard time these past few days I haven't checked my messages. Zach drove to the school to pick up Andy, but he wasn't there. He was very worried and tried to call me on my home phone, cell phone and text me. Once again I didn't answer any of the calls. I feel so bad that Zach and Stacy were worried about Andy and on top of that I couldn't even answer my phone to let them know he was OK.

I am not the kind of person that would let her family down like this. I think about my little brothers so often. I call them my little brothers only by age because they are both very much taller than I am. My little brothers who I fought for. My little brothers who I fought with. My little brothers who are both grow men with families of their own. My little brothers who would do anything for me and I would do anything for them. I know that when I talk to them today to explain they will both forgive me and tell me not to worry about it. I know that anyone who is reading this would tell me that I have a lot going on and it is understandable. But before anyone writes that on a comment or thinks that to themselves, I want to say that I don't feel like it is OK. I feel sick about the whole situation. This is bothering me very much. I am afraid of becoming someone that I am not. I am afraid of being that person that you can't count on. I am afraid of being that person that you don't even bother with because I am a lost cause. I am afraid of being that person that is so swallowed up in her own life that she can't enjoy anyone else around her.

I am afraid.