It's Amazing

It's amazing how the death of a loved one can give you a new meaning of life.
It's amazing how a bible can become an encyclopedia of knowledge.
It's amazing how you can hate the dead tree in your front yard for three years and realize one day that there are 6 bird families living there.
It's amazing how you can stare at the pasture across the street for 10 minutes and finally realize there are 5 deer grazing there peacefully.
It's amazing how you can wake in the morning to the sound of birds outside you window and feel happy instead of annoyed.
It's amazing how you can sit at the Junior High School for an hour waiting on your son to get off the bus and not feel bothered by the wait, but thankful that you have a child to wait on.
It's amazing how you can get so much joy from watching your 6 year old finally learn to tie his shoes and truly feel the excitement he feels and be so proud.
It's amazing how you can be in the middle of an argument with your husband and realize that fighting with him is the last thing you want to be doing so you stop talking and just say "I'm sorry and I love you!"

My life has changed so much in the last 6 months. I am at a place right now that I never thought I would be. After so much hardship and difficulty I feel renewed, like I have a fresh start. An opportunity to make a difference in some one's life. A chance to give comfort in times of sorrow. A chance to show compassion for a complete stranger. A chance to enjoy the little things that I was too busy to notice before. God talks to us everyday. The question is....."Are you listening?"

Angel Baby

It's been a while since I have written. We are all doing well. Ronnie signed up for Awanas last week at church and Andy enjoys fellowship with the youth group. Jeremy and I have been going on Wednesday nights as well. The other day Jeremy said to me, "Now I know why people go to church on Wednesday and Sunday." It is true. We really enjoy the fellowship with everyone up there. They are like a second family. It really does help me to get through the week when I can get that little Wednesday boost!!! It helps me keep my focus on trying to live my life the way God wants. Jeremy and I have decided to become members of the church on Sunday. I am very excited. We feel so blessed to have found a church home.

I went to see Jo Jo today. (It is still kinda weird for me to say "see Jo Jo today") When I drove up there was a little baby bird sitting in front of her stone. It brought a smile to my face. That sweet little baby bird, tilting it's head from side to side and singing a happy tune. It reminded me of my Little Jo, always so eager to see the world around her. Lately when I think of her I am content. I miss her like crazy and I always will, but most of the time when I think of her I just smile and thank God for giving me a little piece of Heaven, even if it was just for a short time.

I have started baking again. As a little girl, I loved to make cookies, muffins, pies, cakes...desserts were my specialty. I was so excited to have a daughter and share my love of baking with her. I decided that I would start making desserts again. Even though Jo Jo is not physically here with me, it is still time that I can take for myself to feel close to her. I think it helps with my grieving if I can think positively about her. I don't want to sit around thinking, "I should be doing this with her", or "I should be doing that". Those thought make life so unbearable. Instead I focus on, "I really enjoy doing this activity" and because I am happy, it brings me closer to Jo Jo. When I laugh she is with me, when I smile she is with me. She is always with me. She is my Angel Baby, always in my heart.

Snow Day

I can't believe it has snowed all day long. It is so beautiful but I know that it will turn in to something awful tomorrow!! Once the temp drops tonight it is going to be an icy mess. For now I will enjoy the scenery. I will enjoy being snuggled up under my blankets while I lazily watch TV. I love to watch CSI. My favorite thing about CSI is that it doesn't matter when you start watching, you can usually pick right up where you need to be. They could be 20 minutes into a show and you can still follow right along. I was thinking today that I am glad that I don't have to work right now. Usually with bad weather I would have to worry about the drive home and worry if it would be OK for me to take the day off for a bad weather day. I don't have to worry about that right now. If it is bad weather, we will stay home. That is something that I have not been able to do in such a long time. I think that in a little while I will make some muffins for when the boys get home. They always enjoy warm muffins when they get off the bus. I may even break out the hot chocolate. I have thought about Jo Jo a lot today. I thought about how she was never able to play in the snow. I thought about her beautiful little face and how she always looked so curious. I wondered what she would think about the falling snow. It has made me a little sad, but I can picture how she would look in my mind and that makes me happy. I hope that everyone is having a good day today.

Andrew Parker Collins

Fourteen years ago, I gave birth to my oldest son. I named him Andrew Parker Collins. Yes, I was a young mother. Yes, most people doubted my ability to care for him. Yes, he changed my life completely and I have never been the same. I have watched a young boy grow into a young man.

I have watched obsessions with toy cars change to longing for a car of his own (in a few years of course). I have seen him liking music grow to him playing music. I think that one of the things that has stood out to me the most happened in the last year. When I was placed in the hospital in August I was certain that it would be Ronnie who had the hardest time. To my surprise it was Andy. He really missed me being at home. He used to come and spend the night with me up at the hospital and we would play on the computer or sometimes he would sit with me in my hospital bed and watch TV beside me. When I got home I realized that while I was gone Andy would sleep on the floor in Ronnie's room so that he wouldn't be afraid. Ronnie asked him to keep sleeping in his room even a little while after I was home. He did this for his brother with no complaints. It really touched my heart to know that he was trying to help and look out for his brother in my absence.

Sometimes I do not know how he feels. I don't know what it is like to lose a sibling, I do know that he is always very strong. On days when he knows I am sad he hugs me and tells me he loves me. He doesn't ask me what is wrong, he knows when I am hurting. He is such a sweet kid. Even when he is being a full out teenager with his headphones on during dinner or banging away on his drum set in his room, he is still my little Andy. No matter how big he gets.

Happy Birthday Andy. I love you very much!!!!

$$Feeding Teenage Boys$$

Andy had his friend Junior and his cousin Hunter come over to stay the night last night in celebration of his birthday.
In preparation I stopped by the store to get some "snacks" for the boys to munch on while they were up last night. We also got 4 large pizzas for dinner. I picked out 3 different bags of chips, cookies, chicken nuggets, Crunch 'n Munch, crackers w/ cheese spray, 2 different punches, Root Beer, and cookies to make. (see below) These kiddos really have an appetite. Hunter is 11, Junior is 12 and Andy is 13 for two more days!! It was fun to see them having a good time. We even played Beatles Rock Band. I was surprised to see my husband singing some of the songs with the kids also. (He never sings!!) I had a duet or two with Andy and Hunter. Finally the boys went to Andy's room to watch Supernatural and Ronnie and Emma went to his room to watch Pinocchio. Emma is Hunter's sister and she came to play with Ronnie. We had a pretty good evening. I was very happy with everything.

Ronnie and Emma woke me up bright and early at 7:00 ready for breakfast. Surprisingly the older boys woke up as well. I was prepared to go all out on breakfast, Jeremy even helped me. We had pancakes, sausage, bacon, scrambled eggs and Sunny Delight. Everyone ate everything we cooked. My niece Emma told me, "Aunt Crystal, everything is sooo good, I thought it was going to be bad but it wasn't. She is too cute. She wasn't too big on the idea of me making pancakes from scratch, but I am really glad that she liked it.

After breakfast I decided to do some baking with Ronnie and Emma. I am a firm believer in place and bake cookies. I think they are one of the best inventions ever made, but sometimes you need to do some breaking of eggs and mixing of flour. It's just good for the soul. I let each of the kids pick the kind of cookies they wanted to make. Ronnie picked double chocolate fudge and Emma picked chocolate chip cookies. They had so much fun mixing everything together. They even got a kick out of licking the spoons when we were done mixing. I did the baking part and when we were done they were super proud of their creations. Here is a picture of them with the finished product.

Don't they just look so adorable. This could be in a magazine add. We had such a great time with our company this weekend. I hope that we can do something like this again soon!!!

I've got a feeling....

I've got a feeling that today is going to be a good day. I woke up this morning with no bad dreams under my belt. I feel like I have a huge weight lifted off my chest. I talked to my brother Chris yesterday for a little over an hour. As usual he had me laughing my head off. He also played me a bunch of songs on his guitar. Andy is supposed to have friends come over to celebrate his birthday. I hope that he invited them. No moms have called to confirm though so I may have to round them up after school. Even if they don't make it we are still having game night tonight so that will be fun. I have new pictures on Jolianne's memorial page. I hope that everyone has a great Friday.

Explaination

I feel like maybe I need to explain more about my post today. I know that not calling your brother on his birthday isn't that big of a deal. And I realize that Andy riding the bus home instead of Zach picking him up isn't either. What worries me is that I don't do stuff like that. The old Crystal always knew when everyone's birthday was and called them. The old Crystal always made sure that plans were exaclty in order and carried out the way they were suppose to be. The old Crystal didn't decide that she wasn't going to answer the phone for an entire day. The old Crystal always made sure to do everything she was suppose to do. It is getting harder and harder to be who I was. I think the thing that hurts the most is to know that I won't ever be exactly the same as I was before. I know that losing a child changes you. I just want to be able to look in the mirror and at least recognize the person looking back at me.

One of those days.

Have you ever had one of those days when you just don't feel like talking to anyone but you don't want to be alone either?
You tell yourself that if you could just get a cup of coffee you would feel much better, but after you drink the biggest coffee you could buy you find that your don't feel better at all.
Lunch time rolls around and you tell yourself that if you could just get a bite to eat you will be doing OK, only to realize after you have eaten a double cheese burger and fries that you still don't feel right.
After lunch you tell yourself that you just need to take a nap and you'll be fine after that, only to find you feel worse than before.
Have you ever pleaded with God to let you have a good nights rest only to find yourself waking up several times through the night, one bad dream after another?
Have you ever woken up one morning after telling yourself for a month that you are OK, only to realize that you are as far away from OK as you've ever been?
That was my day yesterday.

Here is what I hate about wallowing in my own self pity. It makes me neglectful. I can't stand being neglectful. That is not a trait that I would usually associate myself with but here I am today, very angry with myself. Yesterday I let both of my brothers down.

Chris
Yesterday was my brother Chris's 28th birthday. I was aware that it was his birthday all day long. I kept telling myself that I needed to call him and wish him a Happy Birthday. I thought about him for most of the day. I remembered funny little stories that I would tell when I did get him on the phone. That is what Chris and I do. We try to make each other laugh. Most of the time he is the one that has me laughing so hard I have tears in my eyes. I just couldn't bring myself to call. I wanted to so bad, but for whatever reason I never did call him. I feel really awful that I couldn't pull myself out of the pit long enough to wish him a Happy Birthday.

Zach
My brother Zach has been amazing this last month helping us to get back into church. He and Stacy go to an awesome church that has really supported us through everything that has been going on with Jolianne. Jeremy and I decided that we would like to attend church with Zach and Stacy so we have been going every Sunday to worship with them. Zach likes to take Andy to church on Wednesday nights to have fellowship with the other youth. I have been very excited for Andy to go and have a good time with the other kids. On Tuesday Zach left a message for me that he was going to be picking up Andy on Wednesday from school and taking him to church that night. Because I have been having a hard time these past few days I haven't checked my messages. Zach drove to the school to pick up Andy, but he wasn't there. He was very worried and tried to call me on my home phone, cell phone and text me. Once again I didn't answer any of the calls. I feel so bad that Zach and Stacy were worried about Andy and on top of that I couldn't even answer my phone to let them know he was OK.

I am not the kind of person that would let her family down like this. I think about my little brothers so often. I call them my little brothers only by age because they are both very much taller than I am. My little brothers who I fought for. My little brothers who I fought with. My little brothers who are both grow men with families of their own. My little brothers who would do anything for me and I would do anything for them. I know that when I talk to them today to explain they will both forgive me and tell me not to worry about it. I know that anyone who is reading this would tell me that I have a lot going on and it is understandable. But before anyone writes that on a comment or thinks that to themselves, I want to say that I don't feel like it is OK. I feel sick about the whole situation. This is bothering me very much. I am afraid of becoming someone that I am not. I am afraid of being that person that you can't count on. I am afraid of being that person that you don't even bother with because I am a lost cause. I am afraid of being that person that is so swallowed up in her own life that she can't enjoy anyone else around her.

I am afraid.

Busy Day Today

I have a lot to write about today so I will just jump right in. I have never seen a headstone placed so when they called us this morning to tell us that they were going to set Jolianne's headstone and that they would like for someone to be there I was glad that I was available to go.

This was the first step. Placing the concrete slab down.

The next thing they did was place the granite base down on top of the concrete.

The last step is to place the headstone on the base.

I am very pleased with the way it turned out. I will be glad when the grass grows in a little bit and there isn't so much raised dirt. We also have two vases that will go on the sides but they are not here yet. I am looking forward to placing flowers in the vases. It was soooo cold out there this morning. The guys that were doing the work were super sweet and they made me laugh for most of the process. It really helped me to feel more at ease about being there alone. Everyone that we have worked with on Jolianne's funeral and cemetery services have been so nice and kind.

While I was over in the cemetery area I went by Hiett's and picked up Jo Jo's death certificate. That made me sad a little. I looked over it and everything was the way it was suppose to be. When I got home I put it with her birth certificate. That was a hard thing to do also. Sometimes I will just start crying. When things remind me of Jo Jo or when I look at her pictures. Most of the time I am doing pretty well considering the situation.

Yesterday I got a dog from my friend Delores. He is a black pug. I named him Nikko, pronounced Nee-ko. He is such a sweet little doggie. He did really well last night. He slept in his crate and only whimpered a little when when turned off the lights. He is good about telling us when he has to go potty but then when we go outside he acts really scared and then goes Poo when he gets back in!!! He is too funny.


Little Nikko in his new shirt.

I went today and got him a leash and collar so that I can keep up with him when we go outside. I also got him a little bed to sleep in. I am hoping once he gets used to our home he can sleep in his bed instead of the crate.

Nikko in his new bed.

I am really enjoying Nikko being around. The boys just adore him also. He is so laid back. He will just sit there and lay with you for hours!!! I hope that everyone is having a good day today.