Did you ever read the Choose Your Own Adventure books as a child? You know, the ones where you are reading a story and then you have the option to pick which adventure your main character will go on. I have been thinking lately about how things might have been. I think, what if Jolianne had not had a heart problem. I imagine our family living in Heartland in the beautiful house we had built and I would still be working at Oldcastle. Jolianne would be 9 months old. Crawling all around on the floor. She probably would have figured out how to say "Dada" and "Mama" and "Bubba" by now. We would have our friends and family over to visit. Life is good and I couldn't be happier. Then there is adventure number 2. The adventure that started when I was placed in the hospital. We would still be living in Wills Point. I would have quit my job at Oldcastle to stay home with little Jo Jo because she needs special care. By now Jo Jo would have had her last heart procedure and would be doing great. Everyone all together enjoying life and realizing just how precious each of our lives are. I know that is one of the better imaginations of what our life would be like but hey, this is my adventure so I will just go with it. Then there is adventure number 3. The adventure that started the day my sweet Jo Jo flew to Heaven. THE REAL STORY. The story of a family struggling to piece their lives back together. We are living in Wills Point, I am a stay at home mom with intentions to start school in the Fall to pursue a degree in Nursing. I have joined the Praise Team at church and I teach a Sunday School class twice a month. In this adventure life seems to be more than I can bear at times. There is a lot of crying and a lot of pain. There are days where I am doing fine and days where I miss my daughter so much I can hardly breathe. But in all of this chaos the most important thing about this adventure is that it includes a very personal relationship with my Savior. I know that things are not the way I had pictured them to be at this point, but I also know that I am a stronger person in this version of the story. I know that with God at my side I can do absolutely anything. I am so very blessed for everything I do have. At times when I get down about life being unfair I simply have to remember that although I am the main character in my book, God is the one that chooses where I will go. He is wise beyond anything that I can even comprehend. It is my duty to make myself available to Him so that He can use me however He sees fit. He does know the end of my story, each day that I wake up is a new page. Each evening is a testamony of my faith that He will take me where I need to go.
I hope that anyone reading this today that is struggling with "their story" will find comfort that your life is in God's very capable hands. He will never leave you, He will never forsake you. Make youself available to hear from Him. He speaks to us everyday. Are you listening??
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2 comments:
I can relate so much to your post. Not so much in the same manner but yea...the day your child is born with a CHD, no matter the outcome, you are never the same, your life is changed forever. It is changed in good ways and in bad ways. I think about you often and wonder how you are holding up. I know it might be different on paper but from the way you talk "post" you seem to be really doing things in a good and healthy way. I am sooooo glad you are going to school and I am sooo glad you are so involved in the church. Things are going to be great for you and JoJo is smiling down from Heaven with such pride for how strong you all are!!!
I can relate to your "Choose Your Own Adventure" as you know. What I cannot relate to in your adventure is the loss of your own child. I have never lost a child (as you know) and I cannot imagine the heartache that goes a long with it. Having a child w/ a CHD does change your life forever. It brought me closer to God then I have ever been and as I have seen it happened to you too. I am in awe of your relationship with God. It has brought me closer as I said but I strive to be even closer to him like you have displayed. I see it in so many ways and it is such an awesome thing to see. I see it in conversations that we have, I see it in the things you do in life right now and I see it in the posts on your blog. You definitely give glory to God and he definitely shines through you! It makes me so happy to see that you are going to pursue nursing school. I know that you have it in you, I have known ever since I had Christopher. It breaks my heart to hear how much you hurt, but I know, as you said, that God will carry you through. Please know that I am here for you (as I have told you a million times) and know that I pray for you all the time. I love ya Sis!
Love, Kim
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