I am having a pretty good week. I am learning to take my time in life and enjoy the little things. I have to keep in mind that the details are in the little things. The way a simple smile can bring such joy to my life. I way I feel so warm and cozy in those 10 minutes that I get to snuggle with Jeremy between the time when the alarm goes off, I press snooze, and then he really does need to get up to start getting ready for work. We are trying to decide if we can move to town or maybe get a new house here on our property. We have both been doing a lot of research so that we can make an informed decision. We have decided that we need to move from a four bedroom to a three bedroom. I still haven't been able to take Jo Jo's room down. I think that the only way it will feel right is if we just move. I have a hutch that has all of her stuff in it that we will keep in our bedroom. But I just can't bear walking by her room and it being empty. We have been wanting to get a new house for about a year now, but before it just wasn't God's time for us. I have been praying about the move so I know that He will lead us in the right direction. If it still isn't time then we will wait some more. I am looking forward to this weekend. We are going to Arlington to spend some time with Jeremy's family. We are going to be celebrating a bunch of birthdays, Me, Kim, Christopher, and Mom. I am so excited to spend time with everyone. I hope that everyone is having a good day. It is almost the weekend!!!!

The Other Side of the Story

I have had so many thoughts lately about what I would write about. God has given me the wisdom of being able to see both sides of the story. I want to share a story with with that involves two of my children. Andy and Jolianne.

When my daughter passed away earlier this year the thought would often flash through my mind, "Why did He have to take her?". Why is it that there are so many unfit parents out there that get to experience their children's lives, but I can't. God has given me the answer. The sad thing is that I have had the answer the whole time, I just never acknowledged it.

Andy 1995
I became pregnant with my son Andy 2 months after my 16th birthday. At the time I was living with my father in Arlington. I had moved away from my parents home in March because there were too many rules and regulations that I had to follow. I have shared with you in previous blogs that I was very stubborn and did not like having rules. My father had NO rules. Often times he would provide drugs, alcohol, and freedom that I had not known with my parents in Wills Point. It is really no surprise that I became pregnant. I lived with my dad from March until the first of June. I realized that I was in an environment that was very unhealthy for me and wanted to be with my mom and step dad in Wills Point again. In July I found out that I was pregnant. I was so scared. I sat in the bathroom and cried and cried. I was so afraid of what my parents would say or do. They were both very kind and understanding. They told me that they would take care of me and the baby and make sure that we were OK. I am sure that during my pregnancy when I was in public there were women that passed me that thought to themselves, "Why does she get to have a baby, but I can't." They may have said how unfair it was that I was pregnant, but that they had just lost a child. I was never aware of any of this, but I am familiar with the stares and the whispers and the general disappointment of another "reckless youth". Another teenager that has thrown her life away.
Andy 2009 and 2010
Last year I when I was in the hospital on bedrest there were a lot of responsibilities that were placed on my son Andy. Some of them he took on by himself. The entire time I was in the hospital Andy slept in his brother's room, on the floor, because Ronnie was scared. He would read him stories at night, he would comfort him when he missed me so much. Even after I came home he continued to sleep in Ronnie's room until Ronnie got adjusted to me being back home. While his sister Jolianne was in the hospital he would continue to reach out to his brother. He was always very understanding of the hectic schedule that we had to maintain in order to spend time with Jo Jo and spend time with the boys at home. On of the most amazing things that has touched my heart lately is when Andy came home from school one day and shared with me that he had brought someone to Christ. This person is growing up in a home where they do not believe in God. They had no idea of God's love and compassion for us. I was so proud of him when I heard this. I thought to myself, "Andy has just saved some one's life." Maybe not in the heroic way that we usually say saving a life, but a very important save just the same. God has a purpose for Andy. He always has, from the moment He gave him life when he was inside me.

Jolianne 2009 and 2010
The life of my daughter was very short, but very purposeful. She is the strongest most courageous person I have ever known. I saw her go through so many procedures, so many needle sticks, so many IVs, so much pain and agony. She rarely cried. She faced each thing in her life with no fear. The doctors and nurses used to tell me that she was such a strong baby. They said that most of the babies would cry and protest to many of the things that Jolianne took in stride. I heard the other day that each person has a job to do on Earth. When you have accomplished your purpose, you get to go to Heaven and be with your loving Father. Jolianne had a purpose, she was placed here to accomplish a goal. She was able to achieve her goal in 3 short months. There are many of us who don't even know what our purpose is yet. We are still searching for what it is that God has planned for us. Jo Jo brought our family closer to God in a way that we never knew before. She showed us that God does have a plan and he does love us beyond measure.

I can't ask why does He take some children and let others live. It is quite clear. In my own life I have been the mother that "didn't deserve to have a baby" and the mother that "lost a baby too soon." I have been looked at with disgust and I have been looked at with sympathy. This is what I know for sure. God does everything with purpose. Even when we can't see the entire situation for what it is, He is working in each of us. Each of my children have changed my life, each in very different ways. I am a better person because of them. This is my testimony of God's will. My testimony of God's plan. My testimony of God's love.

Hard Week

Sorry I haven't written in a while. I have had a lot going on lately. I have had a pretty rough week in regards to Jolianne. I have had dreams about her at night and then during the day it makes me so sad that she is not here. For the most part I haven't had long periods of time where I feel so lonely. I am not sure what is going on, but the smallest little nothings seem to set the feelings in motion. I was at the store today and the woman in front of me had a daughter around the age of 3. The little girl had picked up some candy that she wanted and mom was telling her to put it up so that they could go. Of course the little girl wanted the candy so it dragged on for a little while. Then the cashier was talking to the mother saying that her daughter was the same way and aren't they so cute at that age. Once they moved on it was my turn in line. As I was placing my items on the counter the cashier right next door then started talking about her daughter. My daughter this, and my daughter that, and laughs and giggles. I continued getting my things out of the cart and I started to feel a heavy weight on my chest. I had nothing to add to the conversation. I never would. My daughter.....is gone. That's what went through my mind. I tried to hold the tears back. The cashier turned to me and asked how I was doing today. I put a smile on my face and answered, "I'm doing pretty good." I couldn't tell her the truth. The fact that I was feeling like my heart was breaking into a thousand little pieces. The fact that of all the lines I could have picked, I got into the one where everyone has a cute little girl who does the cutest little things. I managed to make it through my encounter and all the way to the car before the tears fell. That's pretty much what my whole week has been like. Things that wouldn't have gotten to me are stirring up all kinds of emotions. I am really not sure what has changed, maybe this is just a phase of grief that I am going through. I miss my little Jo Jo terribly. I have heard several times in the last few weeks that God only allows hardships to happen if we will be allowed to grow from the situation and help someone else. I believe that this is true. I believe that each one of us has a choice to make. Are you going to allow yourself to grow, the way God intended for you? Are you going to let the situation knock you down and keep you down while you struggle for answers? There is a song that says, "I'm not claiming to know all the answers, but I'm holding on to the One who does." God does have the answers. I know that He is helping me to grow stronger each day, even on the days when I feel so weak. I know that He carries me on those days. He carries you too.

The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. A righteous man may have many troubles, but the Lord delivers him from them all. -Psalm 34:17-19